More anti-gay attacks and murders. Dr. Laura goes back for re-tooling. The Evanston Boy Scouts learn a harsh life lesson. "Ex-gay" John Paulk gets caught in a gay bar. But what are most gays and lesbians talking about? The crash of the titans—lesbian couple role models Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres are now joined by Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher as queer celebrity break-ups of the year.
A lot of people are being pretty hard on the dynamic duos, but in many ways we get what we ask for.
For decades, we have wanted to show the world we are just like them. Most of the first "out" gay celebrities were neutered role models at best, their partners in the shadows, fearing the overwhelming scrutiny of gossip mavens. Liz Smith, who has now outed her own self as bisexual, was among the most notorious. She is now being Mz. Sensitive about the Anne/Ellen breakup. But media scrutiny is part of what makes being any kind of celebrity a minefield.
What made it easier for Ellen and Melissa to both come out was they had partners willing to share the burden of celebrity, to pose for the snapshots at movie premieres and awards shows. For many gay and lesbian celebrities, finding a gay mate willing to be that gay photo date has got to be a difficult task. The "Hollywood beard" of opposite-sex friends is commonplace for our top-name GLBT celebs, perhaps making their lives more livable.
But we did want that next step in coming out, the public couple. Ellen and Melissa were always seen by the mainstream media as the "real" lesbians, since every time Anne and Julie were mentioned, it seemed to be in the context of their ex-boyfriends. Now that the separations have happened, those ex ( and potential current ) boyfriends are back in the news with full force, as if the media wants to prove it was all a lie.
Well, it was not a lie, just a reality of life. Most relationships don't work, and those facing such intense public pressure and a spotlight hotter than venus usually do meltdown. Ask any straight celeb how easy it is to carry on any kind of normal relationship in Hollywood. And then ask the bartender at your favorite gay bar how many relationships they have seen gone bad among their hundreds of clients. Ask yourself how many in your own circle of friends have lasted the 12 years Melissa and Julie did, or even the few that Ellen and Anne accomplished. In fact, the reality is that gay or straight, being partnered with another person is one of the most difficult things we might accomplish in life.
Should we as a community be devastated by the separations of such high-profile lesbian couple role models? No, we shouldn't even be shocked. Not because "we knew" Anne and Julie were not "really" gay. By saying that, we play into the hands of our enemies. We might as well sign up for the John Paulk school of ex-gay ministry. Sexuality is not so rigid, and for future generations, these lines of sexual demarcation will seem trivial and pointless. In fact, it is clear by being around those under 25 today that these identity boundaries are expanding so swift that even the daunting "LGBTQ" doesn't cover the queer spectrum anymore.
The truth for Anne and Julie, for Ellen and Melissa, is not about who is a "true" lesbian, who was "really" gay on the sheets and in the streets. Rather, the truth is that each couple tried to make it work and ultimately they could not. Even for the sake of the movement, for Julie and Melissa's kids, for the sake of every gay and lesbian teen coming up and coming out now. I for one am glad they are not trying to stay together for the sake of some greater good. I am glad that our movement, in showing its true diversity, also shows both its strengths and weaknesses. We need to show we are all human, all vulnerable to the same human troubles, pains, life and love that the heterosexual couple next door faces.
*****
Now, as for Dr. Laura and John Paulk ... they have fallen on their hindquarters, and does anyone want to really help them up? We have seen the enemy and they are pretty pathetic. Dr. Laura's TV show no doubt would have been cancelled without the boycotts. She has a short new life after a "hiatus' and "re-tooling," but the writing is on her studio walls: Dr. Laura, go home.
John, he's another story. The fact is, he was "home" when he entered that gay bar last week. Despite all the pressure to conform to society's rigid definition of sexuality, Paulk really is not an "ex-gay." Ultimately, like Anne and Julie and millions of others, he might be bisexual, trying to suppress his natural desires through unnatural means. Despite his goal of judging and condemning other gays, we need to welcome him into our movement.
John, the next drink is on us.
