"My mother says that she will not sleep with anybody over the age of 25."—Rocco Ritchie talking about Madonna. This tidbit came courtesy of Dame Joan Collins—who prefaced the quote by saying "We were with her son Rocco last summer." Joan Collins is hanging out with 21-year-old Rocco Ritchie? Try and get that image out of your head!
Queen Elizabeth has done lots of things in her seven decades on the throne. She can now add sketch comedienne to her accomplishments. To kick off the Party at the Palace, she did a little skit with Paddington Bear. The two were having tea and Paddington says, "Perhaps you'd like a marmalade sandwich. I always keep one for emergencies." With that, he produced a sandy from underneath his hat. Lizzie, not to be outdone, said, "So do I. I keep mine in here … for later," and pulled one out of her purse! Now we know—even queens get peckish!
I was disappointed that QEII opted out of most public appearances, but it did look like that walk onto the balcony tuckered her out. And since many of you have asked, the man escorting her was her first cousin, Edward, the Duke of Kent. He may be a decade younger than Lizzie, but he looked as if they'd already started the cremation process! Picture it: the Queen of England with Death on one arm and a sickle in the other. Why, it's almost Nostradamean!
Did you notice the queen looks slimmer—even in the hump? If anyone's wondering where her pounds went, they need only look at Adam Lambert. Like me, the first 10 pounds go right to his cheeks. There's only so much that contouring can do. He should have stopped by Miss Ross' trailer first. What Diane can do with some concealer and blush should win her the Nobel Prize. But once the waist is hiked up just below the boobs, you know you're in trouble. I'd consider bringing back beheading for whoever picked out that frock!
People were disappointed that Harry and Meghan didn't show up for the concert. The official reason is that they wanted to celebrate daughter Lilibet's first birthday privately. But, of course, nobody believes that: Those plans would have been made earlier than a half-hour prior to showtime. My royal insiders tell me that the terrible twosome skipped the concert once they were told where they would be seated. I hear that they felt it would be "embarrassing"... so at least we know they are capable of being embarrassed.
Lil Nas X is calling out BET for excluding him from the BET Awards nominations for the second year in a row: "Thank you, BET Awards. An outstanding zero nominations again. Black Excellence." Sounds questionable.
We had a questionable moment on last week's episode of "Billy Masters LIVE" with Melba Moore. It was a pretty dishy show, and Melba was game for almost everything. She talked about being nude in Hair, accepting a Tony after Jack Cassidy screwed up her name, making history as the first Black Fantine in "Les Miserables," being broke and homeless during her divorce, and numerous other highs and lows. And then she abruptly ended our chat. I was about to ask her about a sensitive subject (during Melba's stay in prison, her daughter stayed with a friend's parents—Bill and Camille Cosby). While I don't know for sure, I suspect she had to go to another interview scheduled. After all, she's promoting her new release, Imagine. Check it out and decide for yourself. You can see all of our shows on our YouTube channel, Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.
Shortly before she left daytime, Ellen DeGeneres had Jerrod Carmichael as a guest. According to Jerrod, a joke was cut from the telecast: "I did a joke on Ellen; they took that shit out. It requires context, and it's Freudian in nature, but the punchline—without context so forgive me—was me realizing how much sexual desire is rooted in, like, everything from trauma to childhood experiences. And I said I realized that if something on a guy doesn't remind me of my mother, I can't cum." Uh, yeah—that might be too much for Ellen … and for daytime! But Jerrod can tell whatever stories he wants on "Billy Masters LIVE."
Could it be that Harry Styles' penis has its own agent? If not, it should. With two movies coming out featuring love scenes with both men and women, Styles didn't want to make a wrong move. So what did he do? He had a penis clause written into his contract. He said, "I wasn't naked in Don't Worry Darling. I was naked in My Policeman. There's no peen in the final cut. There's bum bum." When pressed about the "peen," Harry added, "I don't think the peen was intended to be involved. The peen, it was pre-negotiated that that would remain my own."
When we're discussing the ownership of Styles' penis, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I don't know—was ownership ever an issue? Couldn't we simply rent the peen? Or perhaps sublet it? Maybe that would lead to a squatter situation. This begs the question: Wwould it be possible to squat on Harry Styles' peen? While I look into that, you can check out a lovely assortment of other peens on www.BillyMasters.com—the site that will have you looking in more than One Direction. Should you wish to contact me for any peen- or non-peen-related reason, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before SNL hires Queen Elizabeth II as one of its Not Ready for Primetime Players! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.
