I'm back -- complete with the testicular virility to attack everything from pop-culture icons to ultraconservative legislators.
1 ) It's a gas, gas, gas: Donald Lerman recently ate six pounds of baked beans in 1 minute, 48 seconds to set a record. Coincidentally, he set another record by clearing a large room in 38 seconds.
2 ) Jennifer Lopez: The diva is slated to open a boutique in Chicago. Love may not cost a thing, but I bet a skirt will set a girl back a couple of Benjamins.
3 ) Ubiquitous: I don't want to say that Samuel L. Jackson has been in every movie made, but I saw Schindler's List again recently and think he had a bit part in THAT film.
4 ) The name game: Faced with a potential lawsuit from the U.S. Olympic Committee, Chicago's ImprovOlympic has changed its name to IO. As long as Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles doesn't go after our Roscoe's... .
5 ) Oh, deer: People at Southern Illinois University have been attacked by deer over the years. Now I wonder: What would actually set Bambi off?
6 ) Tagged: A newspaper recently stated that Rev. Bill Banuchi of the New York Christian Coalition suggested that gays should wear warning labels. I can see it now - 'Stand back! You're near someone with fashion sense.'
7 ) Tom Cruise: Now he claims he's an expert in psychiatry. Well, we know he's not an expert in gynecology.
8 ) Tied down: A Maryland high school student was denied his diploma because he wore a bolo tie under his gown. I'm just glad my school let me wear my leather chaps.
9 ) Kimberly Stewart: In a magazine interview, Paris Hilton's best friend described Jennifer Aniston as 'homely.' Apparently, Kim has never been to a trailer park - and has never looked in a mirror.
10 ) Kanye West: How creepy are the kids in his 'Diamonds' video? Let's just say that if they visited Neverland, Michael Jackson would've left them alone.
11 ) And they're off: Italian police have discovered a mob-linked racetrack where they say horses were pumped full of Viagra to fix races. I'm sure they were winning by more than a nose.
12 ) Andrew Golota: The local boxer lost his latest championship match in just 54 seconds. If they ever base a mini-series on his life, it'll last for about eight minutes.
13 ) Smell of success: A one-time radio DJ who said that a co-worker's perfume made her sick was awarded $10.6 million by a federal jury. So does that mean I have a claim regarding the smell of Brut wafting around the office?
14 ) Sad songs: A tune by Robbie Williams was voted the number one funeral song in England. At least it wasn't 'Drop It Like It's Hot.'
15 ) Crossing over: Willie Nelson has released a reggae CD. Next, L'il Kim will release a set of jailhouse jazz standards.
16 ) Shot 'til you drop: Target, CVS and Cub Foods let nurse practitioners do some medical procedures in their stores. I just better not hear 'Proctology exams on aisle eight!'
17 ) Courtney Love: She turned down a role on a reality TV show because she didn't want to look bad next to Kelly Ripa and Pamela Anderson - because, of course, Courtney hasn't looked bad by herself.
18 ) Alanis Morrisette: She said that she doesn't know 'if [ she ] can fully achieve self-actualization while her in physical form.' Add that to the list of things you'll never hear Britney say.
I'm at andrew@windycitymediagroup.com
