1) Jim Oberweis: Ladies and
gentlemen, meet the new grand marshal of the Mexican Pride Parade!
2) Age old: A 92-year-old woman was arrested in South Carolina for peddling crack cocaine ... but does Cher really need the money?
3) Ten Thousand Waves Spa: This New Mexico retreat offers, among other things, a facial with purified nightingale droppings. Could someone please fly some Noxzema to New Mexico ... stat?
4) Angelina Jolie & Colin Farrell: Anyone who'd like to be in a threesome with this couple, please
signify by dropping your pants.
5) Wheaton College: The school recently lifted its 143-year-old dance ban. Just think – you could've been expelled for doing the electric slide.
6) Billy Joel: The 54-year-old singer recently proposed to 22-year-old correspondent Katie Lee. Even R. Kelly said "Damn!"
7) Carmen Electra: She won
control of the Internet name www.carmenelectra.com thanks to a United Nations panel ruling. The UN? Was the Supreme Court too busy?
8) Curse of the dead: New York governor George Pataki officially pardoned comedian Lenny Bruce for profanity – 38 years after his death. Through a spiritual medium, Bruce responded "What the fuck...?"
9) Mattel: The company announced that Barbie and Ken have officially broken up. He couldn't keep that affair with G.I. Joe a secret forever.
10) Down under: This past
holiday season, Australians were urged to eat kangaroo with wild lime and brandy sauce. Good news: You're not eating mad cow tenderloin. Bad news: It's kangaroo, dude!
11) The Bartman ball: Something's definitely wrong when a baseball has a steak and lobster dinner before I do.
12) Clay Aiken: He said that "cats are Satans." Interesting ... that's what some people think of "American Idol" contestants.
13) Pamela Anderson: She's launching a clothing line in 2004. That's one collection that'll never break a clothesline.
14) Desire: A scientist at the Field Museum noticed, for the first time, an octopus with an erection – which is probably one more than Liza Minnelli gave David Gest.
15) Old school: A 78-year-old
former military policeman from England has released a rap album. Does this qualify as hip-replacement-hop?
16) It's a fact: Chicago cops get 365 (yes, 365) days of medical leave for every two years of service. You never know when someone might eat a bad donut.
17) Sleep disorder: Experts say that how you sleep reveals a lot about your personality. I think there's something to be said about WHO you sleep with, too.
18) The University of Wisconsin-Madison: The school offers a course called "Daytime Serials: Family and Social Rules." (What does the mid-term cover? "Tune in tomorrow.")
19) Kazuhito Todano: The baseball player admitted to taking part in a gay porn video three years ago. Now, when he's asked if he's a pitcher or a catcher, he can answer on two levels.
20) Martha Stewart: Here's something for the next episode of her new show – "How to Make Those Cavity Searches More Pleasant."
I'm at firstname.lastname@example.org .