Windy City Media Group Frontpage News


home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2023-12-13



Tales from the Sexual Underground
by Rick Reed

This article shared 2414 times since Wed Nov 5, 2003
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

Sex with a side of Spam


When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! When life gives you SPAM, which it does in abundance, make a column and at least get some compensation for the hassle.

Here are some of the oddest/most intriguing/most idiotic SPAM subject lines garbaging up my e-mail box and my smartass replies to the idiotic marketers who think they're going to make a buck off me.

Get 7 sexy panties, compliements (sic) of Frederick's (Oooo! I hope they're labeled with days of the week, my favorite kind of panties).

Make love like a teen? (What does this mean? That I'll fumble around and cum too quickly? No thanks!) If this doesn't get you laid, nothing will (It makes me sad to think of the socially inept people who would open this one, hoping that therein would lie the answers to their difficulties finding sexual partners. If you're relying on Spam to get laid, you probably never will).

Saw you in church, loved what I saw; and Some Christian Likes You. (These are about as smarmy as they come. It sounds like the sender is going to church for a lot more than praying, although some kneeling might be involved. If anyone ever sees me in a church, it will be a cold day in Hell. Chalk up Christians cruising in church as yet another reason I mistrust organized religion.)

You have hot flashes? (No. I can still get pregnant … well, I can try, anyway. Menopause is years away. Thanks anyway.) Grow 2 full cup sizes … FREE! (FREE? Honey, not even if they paid me would I want to grow two full cup sizes. Man titties are a no-no.)

Hi Jimmyfels, super Viagra that will work all weekend is here (Oh dear, how am I ever going to get the laundry and grocery shopping down now?)

Georgia sucks off her dog until it cums; and Maizie and her friends screw donkeys on video; and Brooke gets screwed by her cows nightly. (These gals give "animal husbandry" a whole new meaning! It's stuff like this that makes me wonder how I get on certain mailing lists. "Georgia," "Maizie and her friends," and "Brooke" need to take up a hobby.)

Increase testosterone by 254%. (Dang! And I wanted to increase mine by 255%.)

Enlarge your manhood in just three weeks. (I don't need this. I can watch Atlanta Braves pitcher Mike Hampton and enlarge my manhood in just three minutes.)

What WHORES do when their husbands go to work. (I simply can't imagine, but I would guess it isn't much different from what I do when I GO to work!)

Hot Brunette takes 12 inches. (Oh, so what? This kind of thing happens every day around the Reed household.)

Dripping twats and great titties aged to perfection. (In a gay man's e-mail box, this is super distasteful. But I wonder how long it takes to age twats and tits "to perfection." Ladies … any thoughts? See my e-mail address, below.)

Start Attracting the Opposite Sex Immediately! (Good Lord, what a frightening thought … I don't want to have to consider beating off hordes of horny women … now, beating off hordes of horny men is just another birthday!)


E-mail me at .

This article shared 2414 times since Wed Nov 5, 2003
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

Out and Aging
Presented By


Gay News

Billy Masters 2022-07-11
- "Wait a minute. Okay. Hold on a second here. You complain about me. I'm too weird. I'm too dark, and then you put nipples on the costume? Go fuck yourself!"—Tim Burton explains how he dealt with ...

Gay News

WINDY CITY TIMES annual Holiday Gift Guide, Part Two 2019-12-11
- I'll drink to that Inspired by TV host Giuliana Rancic, Giuliana Prosecco ($14.99; is smooth, with a fruity scent and deceptively complex taste. It may sound weird to say you settled down with Giuliana after ...

Gay News

Halloween weirdness at Sidetrack 2019-11-12
- Photos by Jerry Nunn ...

Gay News

WINTER THEATER SPECIAL Genre-defying works dot theater landscape 2019-01-29
- There's a lot to be excited about on Chicago's upcoming theater slate. Winter promises dozens of shows premiering with weird, powerful and hilarious stories, and featuring fantastic casts. Get ready to put on your snow boots, ...

Gay News

Glad Rags' 'Wonder 'Under': An emotional kaleidoscope 2018-11-14
- Local queer psychedelic orchestra band Glad Rags' second full-length album, Wonder Under, is an eclectic and weird ride in all the best ways. Although bringing to mind Tom Waits, with rich vocals graveling over horn and ...

Gay News

Northalsted Frost Fest, Feb. 25-26 2017-02-22
- Cool off in this weirdly warm February at Northalsted Frost Fest, taking place this weekend, Sat., February 25 and Sun., February 26. Saturday brings you a Craft Beer Festival, featuring over 40 craft brews with the ...

Gay News

BOOK REVIEW You Don't Own Me: The Life and Times of Lesley Gore 2015-12-30
- Your closet is packed with mistakes. Odd-colored shirts, patchwork jeans, alligators, prairie wear, weird ties, you wore it all once. But will those things ever be in style again, even if you wait long enough? No, ...

Gay News

DANCIN' FEATS A queer dance romance 2014-01-08
by Lauren Warnecke - "It's kind of weird to be in a relationship in this community," said Erica Ricketts, 23, a 2013 grad of the Dance Center of Columbia College Chicago. As she navigates the challenging task of making a ...

Gay News

Spotlight 2013-12-11
- Barrel of Monkeys' That's Weird, Grandma: The Holiday Special is just like other editions of the family-friendly sketch show that draws its inspiration from writing workshops conducted with elementary students in underserved ...

Gay News

CRITICS' PICKS 2013-09-18
- The Book of Mormon, Bank of America Theatre, through Oct. 6. Time is running out to catch this wildly acclaimed hit 2011 Broadway musical that not only takes pot-shots at some of the weirder aspects of ...

Gay News

DEEP TISSUE 2013-09-18
a touching new column - One of the more entertaining aspects of doing massage on the fringe is some of the more eccentric weirdos that would grace my table. Many of them were repeat clients. My assumption was that once they ...

Gay News

DEEP TISSUE 2013-07-24
a touching new column - During the years that I practiced massage some of the more memorable moments were spent fielding calls from prospective clients that ranged from simply inappropriate to weird and angry. Here are a few of the highlights: ...

Gay News

The hectic writing life of Ike Holter 2013-07-17
SCOTTISH PLAY SCOTT - Chicago playwright Ike Holter is one busy man. The 28-year-old playwright behind last year's wildly acclaimed Stonewall Riots drama Hit the Wall has two new works debuting days apart: A 10-minute piece called Weirdo that's part ...

Gay News

Lear 2013-05-22
THEATER REVIEW - Playwright: Young Jean Lee. At: Red Tape Theatre, 621 W. Belmont Ave. (St. Peter's Church). Tickets:; $25. Runs through: June 22 Weird play. Psycho-drama, really, akin to a much gentler version of Sarah Kane, the ...

Gay News

Billy Masters 2013-05-21
- "Who hasn't dated a gay dude? He didn't tell me, but I just sort of figured it out. There were weird things he would say. He once tried on my heels. ... That was a pretty big indication."—Gabourey Sidibe shares her ...


Copyright © 2024 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.

All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.






About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam     
Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.