Sex with a side of Spam
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! When life gives you SPAM, which it does in abundance, make a column and at least get some compensation for the hassle.
Here are some of the oddest/most intriguing/most idiotic SPAM subject lines garbaging up my e-mail box and my smartass replies to the idiotic marketers who think they're going to make a buck off me.
Get 7 sexy panties, compliements (sic) of Frederick's (Oooo! I hope they're labeled with days of the week, my favorite kind of panties).
Make love like a teen? (What does this mean? That I'll fumble around and cum too quickly? No thanks!) If this doesn't get you laid, nothing will (It makes me sad to think of the socially inept people who would open this one, hoping that therein would lie the answers to their difficulties finding sexual partners. If you're relying on Spam to get laid, you probably never will).
Saw you in church, loved what I saw; and Some Christian Likes You. (These are about as smarmy as they come. It sounds like the sender is going to church for a lot more than praying, although some kneeling might be involved. If anyone ever sees me in a church, it will be a cold day in Hell. Chalk up Christians cruising in church as yet another reason I mistrust organized religion.)
You have hot flashes? (No. I can still get pregnant … well, I can try, anyway. Menopause is years away. Thanks anyway.) Grow 2 full cup sizes … FREE! (FREE? Honey, not even if they paid me would I want to grow two full cup sizes. Man titties are a no-no.)
Hi Jimmyfels, super Viagra that will work all weekend is here (Oh dear, how am I ever going to get the laundry and grocery shopping down now?)
Georgia sucks off her dog until it cums; and Maizie and her friends screw donkeys on video; and Brooke gets screwed by her cows nightly. (These gals give "animal husbandry" a whole new meaning! It's stuff like this that makes me wonder how I get on certain mailing lists. "Georgia," "Maizie and her friends," and "Brooke" need to take up a hobby.)
Increase testosterone by 254%. (Dang! And I wanted to increase mine by 255%.)
Enlarge your manhood in just three weeks. (I don't need this. I can watch Atlanta Braves pitcher Mike Hampton and enlarge my manhood in just three minutes.)
What WHORES do when their husbands go to work. (I simply can't imagine, but I would guess it isn't much different from what I do when I GO to work!)
Hot Brunette takes 12 inches. (Oh, so what? This kind of thing happens every day around the Reed household.)
Dripping twats and great titties aged to perfection. (In a gay man's e-mail box, this is super distasteful. But I wonder how long it takes to age twats and tits "to perfection." Ladies … any thoughts? See my e-mail address, below.)
Start Attracting the Opposite Sex Immediately! (Good Lord, what a frightening thought … I don't want to have to consider beating off hordes of horny women … now, beating off hordes of horny men is just another birthday!)
E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org .