One of the more entertaining aspects of doing massage on the fringe is some of the more eccentric weirdos that would grace my table. Many of them were repeat clients. My assumption was that once they felt comfortable and accepted by someone, they felt it pointless to stray.
One of my favorites was Rudy. Rudy was hovering somewhere around his early forties in the two years that he saw me regularly. Our first conversation had an odd start.
"Hello. This is C.J."
"1, 2, 3 … Oh, hello C. J, this is Rudy. I'm calling about your massage services … 4, 5, 6. Can I get an appointment tomorrow morning … 7, 8, 9.
He counted over the phone as if he was counting the family silver after a dinner party.
When Rudy arrived on my doorstep the next day I saw that he was quite thin with a bit of a horse face and eyes that darted around as if he were tracking a fly. He wore a kelly green baseball cap, new white tee, white shorts, kelly green socks and white loafers. He removed everything that was white before hopping on my table. This of course left him wearing the green ball cap, green socks and green underwear.
"Don't worry about my head, hands, glutes or feet. Everything else is yours."
I made small talk with him for the first few minutes, but he didn't seem too interested in my recent trip to New York or the fact that he was on a recently purchased massage table of far better quality than the previous one I used.
"That feels great … 4, 5, 6." He'd say, ignoring my prompt for a response to a story about my crazy upstairs neighbors.
Between worrying that his hat was in the same exact placement at all times he would play with the legs of my table and wildly move his feet around. It took me some time to realize that his feet movements were not random, but three quick turns to the left followed by three quick turns to the right. While one foot went clockwise the other went counter clockwise. When I tried this later that evening I found it impossible to replicate.
Everything Rudy did was in threes. He was my client fifteen times. And it was always kelly green and shockingly bright white. When he used my bathroom, which sort of shocked me, he flushed my toilet three times in a row. I guess pee doesn't always go down so easily. When I would see him calling I always let the phone ring three times before answering. He never mentioned it but I like to think I was a team player when it came to his behavior.
Rudy was always a perfect gentleman while on my table. He never once tried anything inappropriate or even suggested that he was thinking about something inappropriate. The green hat, green underwear and green socks always stayed on. He minded his business and I minded mine. And it was comfortable. When the massage was over he would hop off the table and wave goodbye.
"I'll see you in maybe 7, 8 ,9 days."
