During the years that I practiced massage some of the more memorable moments were spent fielding calls from prospective clients that ranged from simply inappropriate to weird and angry. Here are a few of the highlights:
1)
"Hello, this is C.J."
"Hi C.J. Robert here."
"Hello Robert. What can I do for you?"
"Hi, so I'd like to schedule and pay for a sixty-minute massage, but substitute it for a thirty-minute rim job."
[Click.]
2)
"Hello, this is C. J."
"Hi uh, this is Sam. I just want to start by saying you're very attractive. You like guys?"
"Uh, yeah, but are you looking for a massage?"
"Maybe, but if at all possible can you just hold me for an hour and squeeze really tight until I can barely breathe? That's what I really want."
"Have a nice day Sam."
[Click.]
3)
"Hello?"
"C.J.?"
"This is C.J. What can I help you with?"
"Lots of things, but let's focus on one thing first. How fat is that cock?"
[Click.]
4)
"Hello, this is C.J."
"Hi C.J. This is Randy. How's your day going?"
"Good. Busy. You caught me during a welcome patch of down time. What can I help you with?"
"Well, first let me tell you a little story to you so that you will then understand my request."
"Ok, but you should know that I only do massage; it may be sensual, but nothing more."
"Sure. Anyway, I played football all through high school. It was the best time of my life. So, after practices my buddies and I would be in the locker room showerin' and horsin' around. Well, ya know how high school boys are. Inevitably, someone started a fart war by letting one loose in somebody's face. I wanna relive that."
[Click.]
5)
"Hello. C.J. here."
"Hi C.J., This is Trip. Do you have a minute or two for some questions concerning your quote, unquote massage services?"
"What do you mean by quote, unquote?"
"Well, let me just lay it out there; I'll triple your fee if you'll fuck me in a George W. Bush mask."
"Well, thanks for the interest, but I don't do that type of work and being a staunch democrat I wouldn't feel comfor…."
[Click.]
6)
"Hello, this is C.J."
"C.J. the masseur,right?"
"Yes, this is him."
"Ok, great. Paul here. So, are you familiar with edging; the act of bringing someone to the edge of orgasm then stopping?"
"I am."
"Ok, well do you offer endings?"
"I do depending on comfort level and connection. It's possible, but not a given."
"So you cherry pick who you wanna give an ending to? Shit. That's pretty fuckin' uppity for a massage whore who looks like a…"
[Click.]
7)
"Hello, C.J. here."
"Hi C.J., This is Marcus Jenson."
"Oh, what's goin' on? You were just here yesterday; looking for another massage?"
"No, yesterday was great. I slept like a baby after. I have a joke for you. You grew up in the eighties right?"
"I did."
"Ok, remember Jean Naté, the after-bath splash by Avon?"
"I do."
"Ok, good. So what's it called when you're sucking someone's dick while their taking a dump and the water splashes up in your face?"
"The Jean Naté?"
