BY J
When we were last with our heroine, Muffaletta, her life was hanging in the balance. Her dear friend Carmella had just dashed off to find the only cure to Muffy's rare influenza: Chicken Soup. Carmella knew deep in her soul that not just any chicken soup would do so she rifled through her memories, hoping to find some knowledge of where to begin.
Meanwhile, back at the Vanderdyke bungalow, Dick Ratchit was slowly wiping Muffy's brow of perspiration. Muffy's temperature had skyrocketed since she awoke from her feverish nightmare and she would not allow the nurses to come near her. Dick helped pull a fresh Canterbury nightgown over her head and tucked her into her canopied bed. Muffy was in desperate need of a bath but the mere mention of one sent her into hysterics. Dick tried to discreetly clean her up while tucking her in and couldn't imagine how she had gotten so sticky. He kept finding gobs of what appeared to be apricot jam in the sheets.
When the doorbell rang, everyone jumped to see if Carmella had been successful. As the door opened, they were shocked to find a rather robust red-haired man out of breath and waving a Dear John smeared in blood. 'I know she's here', he screamed. 'Where is Carmella?'
On the streets, Carmella had found two potential antidotes to Muffy's illness. After fruitless searching, she struck gold at 2552 N. Clark. Frances Deli offered two homemade Chicken soup options ( as well as a vast array of root beer! ) . After sampling both the chicken noodle and the chicken Matzo ball, Carmella was certain she had found her serum of life in the latter of the two. The entire bowl was dominated by a solid 34 B cup Matzo ball and although it had left little room for chunks of chicken and veggies, Carmella knew that the soft texture of Frances' warm, inviting ball of love, dripping with soupy joy, would save her special girl. She only had to reach Muffy in time! On her way, she stopped at a grocery store and sifted through several cans of soup feeling strongly that a back-up plan was in order. She would take no chances of losing her precious Muffaletta. She ascertained that Progresso chunky chicken soup was the way to go with its large corkscrew noodles somehow managing to keep their texture living in that tin prison. Ample Chicken and veggies sealed the deal.
When Carmella entered the bungalow, arms full of soupy serenity, everything was still. She whispered for Dick Ratchit and Nurse Jenny with no answer. As she shut the door behind her, her gaze fell upon Dick Ratchit, the doctor, Nurse Jenny and her three assistants bound and gagged in the far corner of the parlor. At that moment, Carmella's estranged husband, Sam Fitzgerald, appeared waving a Colt .45 in one hand and a machete dripping with gin in the other. 'If I can't have you, nobody will,' he declared in an ominous Jack Nicholson tone. Fitzgerald lunged at Carmella as she reached into her brown paper bag producing a can of soup, which she smashed clear across his fiery, red head. The can split into two, its contents escaping to the Berber carpet below, which thirstily gulped it up. As Fitzgerald followed the Progresso to the floor, the gun discharged and Carmella screamed in agony.
Although the bullet had missed Carmella by several feet, it managed to cleanly pierce her grocery bag, entering that sweet mound of Matzo sending soup flying everywhere. Carmella had saved everyone's life: everyone but Muffy. All of the soup had been destroyed. She could hear her suffering sweet gasping for breath in the next room. Carmella knew what must be done. She picked up Fitzgerald's gin-soaked machete, marched into the other room and began to hack the delicate flesh to bite-sized bits.
'It was a good thing we had that leftover chicken in the fridge,' sang Muffy the next morning. The doctor predicted a full recovery. 'Who knew that you were such a whiz in the kitchen, Carmie', cooed Muffy. While it was fantastic soup, Dick Ratchit, the Doctor, Nurse Jenny, and her three assistants knew that it was Carmella's undying love and devotion that made it work so well.
Ask Me
Can you recommend a good Chicken Soup recipe? Why yes, I can!
Carmella's Chicken soup
The meat of one roasted Chicken breast coarsely torn from the bone
4 cans of chicken stock
2 red potatoes peeled and cubed
1 onion coarsely chopped
2 small carrots peeled and sliced
1 stalk of celery sliced
1 tablespoon each fresh Dill, Tarragon & Parsley
Salt and fresh cracked pepper to taste
1/2 cup of pastini ( Carmella likes star shaped pasta as well )
Grated Romano cheese
Throw all ingredients except for pastini and cheese into a large pot. Cook on low heat until veggies begin to soften. Add pastini and continue cooking until pastini is tender. Ladle into bowls and top with grated Romano cheese and LOVE!
