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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2021-07-26

This article shared 1208 times since Mon Jul 26, 2021
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"I'd still be full of jokes and fun, but no more naked pranks. I can see now my actions were pretty juvenile but this was a different time and it's something I would not do today."—John Barrowman told The Daily Mail about claims of his inappropriate behavior on the set. He said he stopped when Executive Producer Julie Gardner told him, "Grow up!" He adds, "This is the first time—and the last—I will address this subject. And then I plan to draw a thick black line under it."

Your beloved Billy was almost a goner. For a split second, I was certain that I had the big C. No, not cancer—the coronavirus. Yes, I've been vaccinated and, yes, I asked everyone I've slept with for proof of vaccination. But, people lie. After the cluster of Delta variant cases from Fourth of July festivities in Provincetown, concern was in the air. When I came down with cold symptoms 10 days later, even my usual laissez-faire attitude was challenged. So I made haste to get tested—better safe than sorry, as the saying goes. I am happy to report I have nothing more contagious than a nasty New England summer cold.

While life goes on in Ptown, people are on tenterhooks … whatever those are. An indoor mask mandate has just been announced. How this will affect things remains to be seen. In terms of shows, I know that Billy Francesca cut his run short due to corona concern. Steve Grand was in town for two weeks, and posted the following: "I tested positive for COVID-19 today. I'm fully vaccinated. I started experiencing symptoms last Friday, a day after I flew back from Ptown. I say this not to alarm, but to notify anyone who had contact with me while I was there." If you had "contact" with Steve, consider yourself notified—and feel free to send us details (and videos).

Before the Tokyo Olympics even began, there was already controversy … and a new star. The controversy came from reports that the beds in the Olympic Village were made of recycled materials and were "anti-sex." The star came in the form of Irish gymnast Rhys McClenaghan, who decided to test the beds by jumping up and down on one. He proved that they are mighty sturdy, and made me wanna risk being thrown out of the Olympic Village … again. I mean, that ban must have been lifted by now. It's been a long time since Lillehammer.

The Opening Ceremonies in an empty stadium reminded me of the sound of one hand clapping. If a Tongan flag bearer is shirtless and oiled up and nobody is there to ogle him, does it even matter? It probably mattered to Mike Pence, who I'm sure was watching and enjoyed seeing the slightly expanded Pita Taufatofua once again. Hopefully, Mother was around to reap the benefits.

Liza Minnelli is back in the news. Last week, she turned up for Michael Feinstein's gig at Vitello's Restaurant in Studio City—one of the few eateries with a body count! With the assistance of two people, Liza gingerly made her way into a chair. Simply sitting seemed a strain. Her scattered storytelling was endearing, but her singing was—well, Liza-esque. Somewhere, somehow, someone must be able to find a song that doesn't depend on the letter "S" so much—"My Sweet Embraceable You" sounded like an ad for Polygrip! One friend called it elder abuse. You can decide for yourself when you watch the video on BillyMasters.com .

By the by, Liza was once again passed over for the Kennedy Center Honors. The 2021 honorees were announced last week, and it's a starry list, indeed. Bette Midler, Joni Mitchell, Berry Gordy, Lorne Michaels and opera singer Justino Diaz have made the cut. Well, there's always next year, Liza.

Our "Ask Billy" question made me sit up and take notice. Reggie in Tulsa writes, "I don't know if you watch John Oliver, but he showed clips of a foreign kiddie show about a man with a giant penis. What???"

I don't watch John Oliver with any regularity, so I missed this segment. However, my crack research team (some of whom are actually on crack) found the show. "John Dillermand" is, indeed, a Danish children's show. Or a mini-show. The first season consisted of 13 five-minute episodes. Apparently "diller" is what the Danes call a penis. So the show is actually called "John Penisman." John is a middle-aged man who is always in a red-and-white full-length bathing costume—like they wore in the 20s. He has a penis that can extend long enough to tame a lion, or act as a helicopter propeller, or use as a pogo stick. But sometimes the penis gets itself in trouble—I suppose that's where the song "My Penis Has a Mind of Its Own" comes from. The show debuted earlier this year and is geared toward 4-to-8-year-old children! Not only has there not been a single complaint—it's gone viral. It has been praised because it shows a penis in a positive light—and when was the last time something like that happened? I'll post clips of the unclipped penis on BillyMasters.com .

When a penis can be used for good, it's definitely time to end yet another column. This got me thinking—it's high time the Olympics considered adding some sort of penis-centric activity to the Games. I mean, if you can roll a hula hoop and wave a stick with a string on the end and call that an event, anything is possible. While I figure out who to call about this, you can take a gander at a plethora of penii at BillyMasters.com—the site that is always thinking outside the box. If you have a question, dash it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before John Dillermand competes in the Olympics as a pole vaulter—with his own pole! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 1208 times since Mon Jul 26, 2021
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