"I was too innocent and too GAY to deserve a Pardon from Trump."—Joe Exotic. It was the crazy stretch limo sitting outside the prison that made me laugh. Like there's a pardon, and POOF, he could just walk out the door.
I am sad to report that my favorite pair of jeans will soon be no more. Surely given the state of our world, this seems inconsequential. But these are my lucky jeans—and I mean that literally. I have gotten lucky scores of times in these jeans. It's like that old Elizabeth Taylor perfume commercial when she takes off her earrings, tosses them on a gambling table and says, "These have always brought me luck, guv'nor." OK, she may not have said "guv'nor," but it was certainly implied. My jeans are wearing and tearing in the knees, and let us not even speak of the seat. (You may fill in your own joke.) Of course, it may be because of these well-positioned tears that I've gotten lucky more often than Elizabeth Taylor!
Someone wrote me after watching Pete Buttigieg's confirmation hearings, saying, "I'm so proud to be gay." This got me thinking. Was this person not proud to be gay prior to seeing Pete Buttigieg on TV? No offense to Mayor Pete—who seems to be smart, articulate and qualified. But it made me think about Hillary Clinton; every time she ran for something, there was this idea that if you were a woman and didn't vote for her, you were self-loathing. What if you were a woman who disagreed with her politics? Why is it an assumption that because she's a woman, women should support her? Trust me, there are many gay people I'm not so fond of. I am far more delighted to support Buttigieg for being intelligent than because of where he falls on the gay scale.
When I started "Billy Masters LIVE," people asked me if I had a dream guest. Just two—Dick Cavett and Larry King. I felt those two embodied the best qualities for a talk-show host—they were genuinely interested in their guests, they asked the questions people at home were thinking, and you left the interview not only learning something, but wanting more. I got close to Dick, whose dick I accidentally fondled. (That's another story.) However, I never had my King moment. Days ago, Larry passed away, and the world got a bit smaller. Cavett—we've got some unfinished business. "Billy Masters LIVE" will return in February.
Armie Hammer continues to be plagued by bad decisions. After those troublesome texts were revealed last week, his words are once more working against him. A private video shows Hammer giving a tour of his hotel room in the Ritz-Carlton Cayman Islands. He claims to have had to change rooms after "noise complaints." He shows us the bathroom and the closet—and then he goes into the bedroom, where we see a woman in a bra and panties on all fours on the bed. (The video is on BillyMasters.com .) He simply says, "The bed looks comfy." He later commented, "So I have to go back to Cayman … which sucks. Except there are a few silver linings. Like fucking Ms. Cayman again while I'm down there." This set off protests from the actual Miss Cayman pageant! Hammer first responded by saying, "I would like to clarify that the person in my video, which was stolen from my private Instagram, is not Miss Cayman." He then added, "I am genuinely sorry for any confusion my foolish attempt at humor may have caused. My deep sympathies to Miss Cayman, who I don't know, and to the entire organization, as I had no intentions of implying she was actually Miss Cayman." I've gotta give Hammer some credit. If this had been El Former Presidente being accused of sleeping with Miss Universe, his response would have been, "So?"
Our "Ask Billy" question refers to someone I knew nothing about. Frank in Baltimore asks, "What can you tell me about Joey Jay? I found a nude photo of him and he's mighty hot."
This is the first I've heard of Joey Jay, who competes on this season of RuPaul's Drag Race. The dashing dude has the distinction of being the first contestant to hail from Phoenix, and this was actually his third attempt to get on the show. He's 30 years old and prefers performing without a wig—instead, sporting a wisteria rinse. The internet tells us that he's Jewish, but I would have figured that out from the plethora of penis pics that have been discovered, under the moniker ArizonaGayBoi. Naturally, you can see all on BillyMasters.com .
When the carpet definitely doesn't match the drapes, it's time to end yet another column. I know everyone is piling on Armie Hammer, but I'm gonna stand up for him. Actually, I'd get on all fours for him. Speaking of which, I can't tell you how many times I've found strange men on all fours on my bed … and, as luck would have it, some of them were pageant winners! Admittedly, some were not from reputable pageants. The point is that we all have a past. And you can check out every inch of my past, present and future on BillyMasters.com—the site that could win Miss Congeniality! If you have a question, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before someone posts a photo of what's inside my lucky jeans! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.
