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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2015-08-19

This article shared 4638 times since Wed Aug 19, 2015
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"Caitlyn's a Republican, she's on a reality show, and she's a Kardashian. We can't make fun of him or her?"—John Waters questions the political correctness of not making fun of Caitlyn Jenner. If it's good enough for John Waters, it's good enough for me.

You fans are insatiable. Our server for BillyMasters.com was flagged as possibly being attacked by a virus. The hosts were concerned because traffic to our website was roughly five times higher than usual. Of course, I knew the reason: feature a ginormous celebrity penis in a state of semi-arousal, and my fans come out of the woodwork. The penis in question belongs to Tom Berklund, who makes quite an impact in the LA revival of Bent at the Mark Taper Forum. If you can't get to LA, you should check him out on our website.

An even bigger dick will be heading to that same venue in November. Kathy Griffin, who is a dick in the best sense of the word, will be bringing her "Like a Boss" tour to the Taper on Nov. 4-5. "After having just sold out the Kennedy Center and with Carnegie Hall coming up, for my hometown I insisted on playing a venue so intimate that when I horrify someone with an inappropriate joke, I'll be close enough to look them in the eye ... while they're laughing hysterically at my comedic genius," said the modest Griffin.

Before she hits the Taper, Griffin will be at Town Hall in Provincetown Aug. 23, doing two sold-out shows under the aegis of the venerable Crown & Anchor. Last week, Margaret Cho played the same venue, and was greeted like a returning hero for her sold-out gig. The show took place hours after Cho filed for divorce from her husband of 11 years, Al Ridenour. She lamented the timing—but took great pride in the fact that her divorce papers were being featured on TMZ! She later blamed the break-up on the couple's drug use, specifically stating that once when she was out of town, her hubby was so wasted that he didn't fill their dogs' water bowls for three days. I'd dump someone over that, too.

The audience, while heavily laden with the LGB and T that are known to frequent Provincetown, also included a smattering of straight people. Cho found that out the hard way. She spied a few empty reserved seats near the front and asked people way in the back of the balcony to move up. That's how Cho ended up with a 10-year-old boy and his mom sitting front row center! After welcoming the lad with a warning that he was in for a crash course in adult education, she leapt into a sequence about how difficult it is to suck on the enormous dick of a Black man! She then discussed poppers, after telling the tot, "Drugs are bad!" I spied the boy asking his mom several questions. He should have taken notes—someday, they'll come in handy!

Cho also revealed that she will be joining E!'s Fashion Police. Actually, the "FP" gig is only a guest spot for the first show on Aug. 31. The current plan is for each episode to feature three regular panelists—Melissa Rivers, Giuliana Rancic and Brad Goreski—and two guest stars. Cho and NeNe Leakes will be the first guests.

But here's a scoop you won't hear anywhere else—after Joan Rivers died, the frontrunner to replace her was Cho! She had several meetings with E! and was told it was a done deal. What happened? Kathy Griffin, that's what. Cho's dear friend campaigned for the job and made it clear that she was Rivers' anointed successor. I should note that both Cho and Griffin were extremely close with Auntie Joan. While Rivers identified with Griffin, she greatly admired Cho's attention to detail and craftsmanship as well as how seriously she took fine-tuning a routine on the road. But one cannot underestimate Griffin's popularity, and that clinched it for E! After Kathy left and Fashion Police had to be rebuilt from scratch, I'm told Cho was the first person the network called. It will be interesting to see how Margaret fits in.

A source confirmed that the nude photo I have of the openly gay star of Empire, Jussie Smollett, is most definitely legit. In the words of my mouthpiece, "I couldn't sit down for a week." I'm surprised he didn't have lockjaw! You can check out Smollett's double digits at BillyMasters.com .

This issue comes up often: Why do most A-list actors hide their privates? In films, the women are walking around topless all the time—getting out of bed, making breakfast, getting the mail, walking the dog. Titties abound. But the guys? Nothing. Well, Kevin Bacon has had enough. He's calling for more male nudity and even filmed a PSA imploring Hollywood to "Free The Bacon." In his most exasperated example, he says, "'50 Shades of Grey'—I heard that you never even see it. Why not let Jamie Dornan take off his pants? Or better yet, let me play Christian Grey. We'll do the whole movie on one long close-up of my penis." I'm sure this is all tongue-in-cheek, but I'm all for it. Frankly, I've seen parts of Sharon Stone that only her gynecologist should see.

When we're playing Six Inches of Kevin Bacon, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Next week marks the 20-year anniversary of this column. For two decades, week in, week out, I have dished the dirt as only I can. Let's see ... carry the one, divide by 20, add a decimal point. That's like a million columns. And there is only one person to thank. No, not me ( but, you're welcome ). It's you. And not the collective "you." I mean each person reading this. Each of you who has laughed, or been pissed off, or jerked off, or simply been entertained.

Without you, I'd sure have a lot more time on my hands! We will be celebrating next week, but you can get a jump on the fun at www.BillyMasters.com, the site that doesn't look its age! If you have a question ( or simply wanna say hi ), drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I thank each and every reader individually. ( You know I'm multi-orgasmic. ) So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 4638 times since Wed Aug 19, 2015
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