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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2013-04-17

This article shared 3423 times since Wed Apr 17, 2013
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"I've always told Will: You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be OK."—Jada Pinkett Smith addresses rumors that she and hubby Will Smith have an open marriage. But did she really say anything? I'd bet they can both look in the mirror just fine—even while having sex with others!

I've spent the better part of the last week trying to thwart the advances of an overly amorous cardinal. Nope, this isn't another attack on the Catholic Church—this is an actual bird. At the beginning of mating season, male cardinals stake out their territory and try to frighten away any competition—much like gay men. Given that the bird outside my Fort Lauderdale abode spends most of the day flying directly into my window, I believe he's just about as smart as most of the gay men I've dated! If we're both lucky, he'll find a mate ... fast.

Of course, that doesn't mean I don't have some choice words for the Catholic Church. This week, Allen Vigner (archbishop of Detroit) and Edward Peters (a Detroit professor and legal adviser to the Vatican) issued a rather remarkable statement: "Catholics who promote 'same-sex marriage' act contrary to Catholic law and should not approach for Holy Communion." Believe it or not, I have absolutely no problem with this. I think if you belong to an organization, then you should abide by their rules. However, I also believe that these rules should be enforced across the board. If one is banning all church members who act contrary to Catholic law, then it's gonna be a mighty short line at Communion. After all, we'd have to exclude people who lust in the heart, who eat shellfish, who take the Lord's name in vain, who've had divorces, abortions, affairs, etc. Yes, I believe that rules are rules—but if you're gonna be a stickler, you can't pick and choose. That wouldn't be very Christian.

Obviously, the Vatican is too busy to notice the ongoing romance between designer Marc Jacobs and former porn star (and rentboy) Harry Louis. Beating the odds, the twosome is still together over a year later, and just spent Marc's 50th birthday exactly where they spent his 49th birthday—on Ipanema Beach in Rio. (We'll post the pics on BillyMasters.com .) While I'm not sure of Harry's current professional aspirations, Jacobs continues to surprise us. He just made his acting debut in Disconnect, playing a porn baron. I had no idea those of us in porn-adjacent fields are entitled to titles. If I have a choice, I'd like to be called grand duchess! Back to Jacobs—he plays the leader of an Internet porn ring that helps runaways in exchange for explicit footage. Sounds like he's spent half a century researching this role. If it was set in Rome, this could all tie together nicely.

Legendary gay porn star Jeff Stryker recently made quite a startling revelation. While being interviewed for a documentary about Falcon Studios' founder Chuck Holmes, he admitted that when he shot his first three films, he was unable to ... er, "perform." He said, "My first three movies—the close-ups weren't my dick. They used a thing called a stunt dick." Of course, this begs the question ... who was performing this "stunt?"

The night before I left LA for South Beach Pride, I attended the 29th annual STAGE benefit, "Broadway My Way." The Southland Theatre Artists Goodwill Event brought in close to $300K for AIDS Project Los Angeles. Aside from the money raised, my spirits were certainly buoyed by some unforgettable performances. Bruce Vilanch brought down the house in a pink tutu for "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line; Florence Henderson donned leather gear for "When You're Good To Mama" from Chicago; Shirley Jones and son Patrick Cassidy did a lovely tribute to The Music Man; plus there were Carole Cook and her bass drum, which never disappoint.

What I look forward to most every year is when the divine Patricia Morison sings. The 98-year-old leading lady brought us back to her favorite role—originating the lead in Kiss Me Kate. Much was made about the fact that she was singing "Wunderbar" in the original key. No one mentioned that her partner, Davis Gaines, was singing without his original face. Mon Dieu, what has he done to himself? Gaines was one of the most breathtakingly handsome men I'd ever met, and now he looks like the love child of Siegfried and Roy with a dash of Bruce Jenner at a surprise party! Who'd hire him now? Well, I suppose he can still appear in "Phantom"—most of the time, he'd be wearing a mask anyway. And I'm sure he'd bring special meaning to the line "Turn your face away from the garish light of day."

By the time this column comes out, the second season of TNT's Dallas will have drawn to a close—probably with a glimpse of the elusive Pamela Barnes Ewing. The question remains: Will the powers-that-be coax the virtually reclusive Victoria Principal back to the small screen? Hedging their bets, the show has reminded us that shortly before Pam disappeared, she had extensive plastic surgery and may not be recognizable. If they're looking for someone who looks like Pam with bad plastic surgery, they could still use Victoria Principal!

Could it be that a certain bearded lady with a skin condition is looking for a new sponsor? So say people close to the alleged triple threat. After her last liaison got her no closer to superstardom, she's set her sights on someone who has helped women with even less talent get ahead—no head required. Since they've already established a professional relationship, it seems like a match made in heaven ... especially if it's a package deal. If that doesn't work out, she's still got options—like marrying one (or several) of Mitt Romney's sons. Is that so wrong?

When our blind item could end up on Sister Wives, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Before closing, I want to acknowledge the passing of Annette Funicello. While my older readers will remember her from The Mickey Mouse Club and from those numerous "beach" flicks, I grew up watching her hawk Skippy—still my peanut butter of choice. You know what else spreads the fun? A visit to www.BillyMasters.com, the site that always has extra nuts. If you have a question you'd like me to tackle, write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Davis Gaines is hired to play Pam Ewing! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 3423 times since Wed Apr 17, 2013
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