"Come on lady, slow down—you don't need to do that anymore. Don't you wanna have a nice holiday somewhere and like, gain 20 pounds and not fucking care?"—Belinda Carlisle answers a question about what she'd say to Madonna, who was born one day before her. Happy birthday to both gals, who surely celebrated in different ways last week.
Picture it—Italy, last week. A handsome young man of indeterminate age with sun-kissed skin and a shade of hair not found on the color spectrum is rushing to meet friends at a local trattoria. He weaves his way through a busy piazza when suddenly everything screeches to a halt. The silence is deafening. The lad takes advantage of this potentially brief calm to weave his way through the crowd, when he hears a priest chanting in Latin. He turns to flee and nearly topples a venerated object several centuries old. An audible gasp is heard as our hero has apparently stumbled in front of a procession commemorating the Assumption of the Virgin Mary. I was that lad and, as a flock of nuns silently passed with scorn in their eyes, I wondered if I am doomed to eternal damnation.
I've previously discussed the assortment of penises that made their way into the Olympics. In addition to those flaunted by the U.S. rowers, there were some notable appearances courtesy of the South African rowers, an Egyptian wrestler, a Portuguese runner and a Swedish track star. But when it comes to Olympic penises, no one can touch the 2008 Icelandic men's Olympic handball team ... or maybe you can. As I'm sure you don't know off the top of your head, they took the silver medal in the Beijing games, making the 15 men national heroes. Upon returning home, they were honored in many places, including the renowned Icelandic Phallological Museum, which I have visited. This museum is, as you would guess, dedicated to penises of various species. An artist (who happens to be the daughter of the museum curator) made a sculpture depicting 15 erect penises in silver—presumably it would have been in gold if they won first place. The team members find this to be a dubious distinction: "We didn't have a session after the games, if that's what you mean. I think it's a little bit weird, to be honest." The artist confirmed this: "I didn't have any models. I just made them from my own experience." Oh, those wacky Icelandeans!
Anderson Cooper has found himself in the midst of a news story that I'm sure he'd term "RidicuList." For the past three years, he's been dating sexy Ben Maisani, the 39-year-old owner of the NYC gay bar Eastern Bloc. The twosome are often seen on the streets of NYC and are rumored to be living together in Cooper's converted firehouse. Since Cooper came out, rumors have abounded that the couple would soon wed. That's all questionable now as Maisani was recently snapped by the paparazzi canoodling with someone who most certainly was not the silver fox. Cooper and Maisani had just landed in Croatia for a holiday when the photos hit the street (or, more likely, the web). In short order, Maisani returned to the States, leaving Anderson overseas with pals Andy Cohen, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos. Of course, there's lots we don't know. Some alleged insiders are claiming that they are in an open relationship, so it's no big deal. Others say this mystery guy is a third member of their relationship. Still others claim that Coop is more pissed off about the photos being public and speculation that he's being cheated on than by the situation itself. Not surprisingly, Cooper has not commented on the story.
While some scandals are caused by a photo, Derek Hough has found himself in the middle of a scandal for the exact opposite reason. According to reports, the Dancing with the Stars stud was in Salt Lake City to see alleged girlfriend Katherine Jenkins in concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And, of course, what do you do after spending an evening with a bunch of Mormons? Go to a gay dance club—as so many straight men do. And Derek was allegedly wearing "skintight, shiny silver pants"—as so many ... oh, never mind. A man named Ken Lee told the National Enquirer that he asked Hough if he could take a photo with him. Allegedly, Derek got into a huff (sorry, I couldn't resist) and "got all nervous and fidgety and stammered, 'No, no, no—not here!'" Lee added, "Derek very well may not be gay, but he sure was dressed pretty and threw an impressive hissy fit when I asked for a photo!" Of course, gay rumors are nothing new to Hough. He once said, "I've been called gay forever because I'm a dancer." Um, I don't think that's the reason.
You've all heard about the casting changes for season two of Smash. Both Brian d'Arcy James and Will Chase are gone, leaving Debra Messing with a significant gap to be filled. Enter the dashing Daniel Sunjata, who was nude in the Broadway production of Take Me Out. From the footage that can be seen on BillyMasters.com, I think he'll fill that void rather snugly.
When George Michael and Posh Spice are seriously considering a trip to Iceland, it's time for me to end yet another column. Before I close, I must acknowledge the passing of Helen Gurley Brown. I met the Cosmo girl when I attended my first Academy Awards. Her husband was being honored so she hurried back from the ladies room, dashing past me in a flurry of feathers that spontaneously prompted me to yell, "Run, Gurley, run!" Oh, we had a good laugh about that. ... I believe while she was molting. She was certainly one-of-a-kind and will be missed. What you should never miss is checking out www.BillyMasters.com, where the early bird always catches the worm. For your specific questions, send them to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I yell "Run, girlie, run" to Derek Hough! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
