The appearance of penises at the Olympics—or lack thereof—has led to quite a bit of online discussion. Many people wonder why we've seen nary the outline of a penis in the snug Speedos of the swimmers. As a former competitor in this sport (in which I won a letter), let me share some insight on the choice of suit. Most champions choose one that actually flattens them out to avoid water resistance or, to use the technical term, "drag." This is why I always had two swimsuits on hand—one for competition and one for ceremonies (or to wear while strolling around deck). It seems that perhaps the USA men's rowing team shares my idea because, whilst nothing looked out of the ordinary during competition, they looked rather "excited" during their medal ceremony—something I didn't expect since they came in third. While all four guys are rather impressive, Henrik Rummel has gotten the most attention, and rightfully so. Faced with the obvious question, he said, "I swear it's not erect! I don't know why it ended up in that position but there you go." It almost makes me wonder how the team would have looked had they taken the gold. No matter—you can check out every inch on BillyMasters.com .
I'm kinda grateful that Henrik's three teammates appear to be circumcised. Nothing against those of you who are intact, but my time in Florence has been notable for the shear mass of uncircumcised penises. And most of them are courtesy of statues in the famed Accademia Galleria. In fact, it's been said that this gallery has the most uncut penises outside of Elton John's personal collection of Polaroids. This week, Elton made quite a dick of himself but I daresay he may not have intended it. He was doing a pre-taped television interview with Australian music journalist (and personal friend) Molly Meldrum.
Cameras were rolling from Elton's entrance, so that every moment was captured for posterity. At one point, the audio is noticeably different than the rest of the interview—as if perhaps they were setting up for the next shot. That's when Elton made some comments about Madonna: "Her career's over. Her tour's been a disaster. And it couldn't happen to a bigger c*nt. If Madonna had any common sense, she would have made a record like Ray of Light and stayed away from the dance stuff and just been a great pop singer and make great pop records, which she does brilliantly. But no ... and she looks like a f*cking fairground stripper. She's been so horrible to Gaga." Elton's people immediately stated that he presumed the comments were off the record. On or off, I think it's safe to say they adequately reflect his opinion.
Since Jennifer Lopez hooked up with boy toy Casper Smart, there have been rumors that the 24-year-old dancer is gay. Of course, there hasn't been any evidence of that ... until now. According to various reports, Casper has been seen in a questionable NYC neighborhood—one that appears to be significantly different than the block Jenny's from. According to InTouch, Casper was getting what has been termed as "an appointment-only exotic massage." Before you get too excited, it was allegedly from a woman. They have a witness named Bibi (I bet that's not her real name) who states that Smart was only there for 10 minutes and that he's "a nice man. He has strong muscles." And, apparently, he also has youthful vigor. However, Star magazine has a completely different story. They say that Casper was in a gay peep show that is situated in the same building. They have a witness who said, "Yeah, I've seen him. He was in here about three weeks ago. This is a gay cruising spot. You go into the booths, then you get all kinds of tapping on the walls and propositions." In addition to these sworn statements, the paparazzi even have photos of Casper in front of the building. Case closed ... right?
Maybe not. Casper and Jenny have stated they will sue both magazines because the stories are false, malicious, defamatory and will cause immense damage to their careers and reputation. (Funny: I thought the fact that they're dating already did that.) Anyhoo, they've even come up with witnesses of their own—four barbers who work upstairs at Diamond Cuts who claim that Casper was in there for a haircut. After being serviced (in some manner or other), he realized that he didn't have any cash on him. Apparently his mother—er, Jennifer—forgot to give him his allowance. So he went to the closest ATM machine, which happened to be on the first floor in the porno palace. Now, I must confess that I'm not familiar with this particular establishment. However, I have known my share of shady sex shoppes and I have learned two things about their ATM machines: 1) they always have a very high service fee and 2) you should wear at least two pairs of latex gloves (which will also come in handy later). Since you know I live for research, I've uncovered another problem with this story. Guess what's directly across the street from Diamond Cuts? A huge Chase bank with an ATM vestibule. Interesting, n'est ce pas?
Going back to our original topic of penises, we have an "Ask Billy" question from Louis in Seattle: "I'm obsessed with Joe Manganiello on True Blood and I'm jealous you got to meet him. Last week, he had a really hot sex scene and I think we might have gotten a quick peek at his package. Could you look into this?"
Sigh—the things I do for my fans. I had the techs at Billy Masters International look at the sequence in question and you're right ... and you're wrong. You're right because there is a split-second moment that Alcide is featured in a full-frontal shot. But upon further investigation (using space-age technology second only to NASA), our experts have determined that Manganiello was actually wearing a tiny piece of fabric covering his nether regions. I know this will be a huge disappointment to you—if nothing else, I hope that "huge" is the correct term. But this scene is still pretty damn hot and it does have the distinction of showing us more of Joe Manganiello's fantastic flesh than all of Magic Mike! To console you, I'll run the scene and stills on BillyMasters.com .
When we're getting more male nudity from the Olympics than pay TV, it's time to end yet another column. I love when we end up having a theme—especially when it's penises. And, of course, you can get your fill of 'em at www.BillyMasters.com, a site for sore eyes. If you have something you'd like me to personally look into, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Elton tells us how he REALLY feels! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
