"I like gays. I'm not a homophobic and I'm so sick of people saying that."—Bristol Palin tells the critics her feelings about gay people at the announcement of the all-star edition of Dancing with the Stars. I'm glad she cleared this up—I don't know how many times I've wondered if she is "a homophobic!"
Am I the only one who doesn't have Olympic fever? Since I'm in the midst of my world tour, I simply can't justify staying inside to watch TV ... even for hot guys in Lycra. But I have found it in my heart to catch up with some of the highlights each night before bed—which has contributed to even more dreams about Ryan Lochte than usual. One of my favorite clips was when Ryan's mom told Matt Lauer that her little boy doesn't have time for a relationship. "He goes out on one-night stands," says Mrs. Lochte proudly.
Within a day, mom tried to clarify the situation: "All I wanted to say is that he's so sensitive about not wanting to hurt a girl dating, so he just goes and dates and takes out a girl for maybe one or two dates and doesn't have a relationship because he doesn't have time and it's not fair to the women." I'm not sure if she helped called her son a ho. Ryan tried to clear everything up by saying, "I knew how the media was going to take it, and I knew what my mom really meant. She is so oblivious to everything." Well, that clears it up. And it also shows us the difference between Lochte and Michael Phelps. Ryan may be mega-hot, but Mikey would never throw the Widow Phelps under the bus.
We globetrotters have various issues that don't plague the average person. I remember once rushing off a plane for a much-anticipated date, and taking a decongestant ... or so I thought. Apparently, I mistakenly took an Ambien. While I'm not exactly sure what happened during that date, I woke up in a suite that had been prepaid for a week. Jeremy Renner recently found himself in the exact opposite situation. He was flying from London to Los Angeles and wanted to make sure he slept the whole way. He asked a friend for a pill, which he took as he boarded. The flight departed and he waited to feel drowsy, but nothing happened. Then he started to get a tingly feeling in his nether regions. And, as he told Jimmy Kimmel, "I realized very quickly that the 'A' was actually a little 'V' on the pill!" At this point, Kimmel quipped, "Somebody gave you a Viagra instead of Ambien? First of all, you need a new doctor ... or new friends." Renner added that the in-flight crew was aware of the situation and asked if they could be of any assistance. Flight attendants can be very accommodating, something I know first hand—literally.
I'm sure you all are acquainted with Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which chronicles the story of Hansel, an East German boy who falls in love with a U.S. soldier. In order to marry, Hansel gets a sex-change operation that, alas, goes awry. The show, written by John Cameron Mitchell with music and lyrics by Stephen Trask, went on to become a cult hit and was later made into a film. Mitchell has revealed that he is working on a sequel to the material that he will try out during the Afterglow Festival at the Crown & Anchor in Provincetown, Mass., Sept. 16. Mitchell will once again play Hedwig.
What if you woke up in a world where being gay was considered normal and being heterosexual was considered deviant? That's the premise of Love Is All You Need?, an independent film that will begin shooting this fall. In final negotiations for the lead is Kellan Lutz, who would play a quarterback with a secret—he's straight! He has to hide his heterosexuality from the world or else face discrimination. I believe the original script was less inventive and was simply called The Ryan Seacrest Story.
Many of you fell in love with actor Kevin Zegers when he appeared as the son in Transamerica. Did you know that he's a Method actor? To prepare for the role of a hustler, he went to a neighborhood frequented by rent boys and negotiated a "date." The man in question offered $200, Kevin wanted $500 and they settled on $350. At that point, Zegers felt his education was complete, went to freshen up in the bathroom and bolted—alas, another missed opportunity. Anyway, he'll once again be playing gay in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, the first in yet another trilogy of films based on books. Zegers' character is the gay brother of the female lead. They don't get along because the man he loves is in love with her. And he probably doesn't have $500.
There are some people who use nudity solely to get a bit of attention—like Austin Armacost, who was constantly naked on The A-List: New York. When we last saw Armacost, he got some test shots done in order to rekindle his modeling career. That was when he discovered that his increased avoirdupois had not only added attention to his asset, but also to his waist ... and, as we all know, the camera adds five pounds (which means Armacost was shot by more cameras than the JFK assassination). What to do, what to do? Why, shoot an advertisement for PETA imploring people not to wear fur. Did PETA implore him to do this ad? I'm not sure if PETA even knew who he was. The ad shows him on a catwalk au naturale, turning his moneymaker towards the camera, and holding a sign that says, "Turn Your Back On Fur." The rather sparsely populated audience includes gossip columnist Michael Musto (who refuses to look down) and some other guy who looks at Austin's crotch in horror. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll stop writing and simply direct you to check out BillyMasters.com .
When Kevin Zegers can be had for $350, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Thankfully, it'll cost you much less to see every inch of him on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that shares Ryan Lochte's "hit-it-and-quit-it" philosophy (except Big Mama Masters would never say that on TV). If you've got a question you'd like me to tackle, just send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I take an Ambien/Viagra cocktail (which sounds like it would go nicely with Tequila—but what doesn't?). So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
