"You have to support so many households because YOU BROKE SO MANY HOUSEHOLDS, silly. You know, Melissa, that I did not give birth to these two children to give them away to your various staff members and girlfriends to raise."—Tammy Lynn Michaels e-mails Melissa Etheridge how she feels about joint custody of the couple's two children. Happily, the exes were able to work things out privately and out-of-court.
Take away 20 years and 20 pounds and I could be Justin Bieber's twin. Maybe not "twin," but we do have something in common. While backstage in Paris, he walked into a glass wall so hard that he got a concussion and had to be rushed to the hospital. I, too, had a similar experience—except mine took place IN a hospital! I was preparing to make a startling revelation to the love of my life later that night. Before that, I had to take a fasting blood test. I'm preoccupied, I'm lightheaded, I'm anxious. I go through the sliding glass doors at the hospital, turn to walk towards the sign-in desk, and BAM—bashed my head right into an unseen glass wall with such force that blood spurt out!
More than wanting to make sure I was OK, I wanted to at least APPEAR fine since a lobby filled with patients were staring at someone who had blood gushing down his face. When I got to the lab, I asked for a bandage. They only had very small Band-Aids or large strips of gauze. They ended up wrapping my entire head, as if I were starring in the Natasha Richardson story! I literally walked out of that hospital with a turban. All day, I had been asking God for a sign—would my paramour be receptive to my news, or was I banging my head against a wall? Well, signs don't come more literal than this. Did I listen? You will find out if I ever finish my first feature film, I Should Have Known. I can tell you that further bloodshed was avoided.
Even rendering myself unconscious in a crowded hospital lobby was still less embarrassing than Kathie Lee Gifford's now-infamous chat with Martin Short on Today. It all seemed pleasant—like two old friends catching up. Then Kath brought up Martin's wife, Nancy, and what a great marriage they have. Martin just smiled.
Kathie then said, "How many years now for you guys?"—an awkward question to ask someone whose wife died two years earlier! Short stammered out, "We married, um, 36 years." But Gifford wasn't done. "But you're still, like, in love?" "Madly, madly in love," said Short. It couldn't get worse, right? Wrong. "Why?" asked Kathie. Martin just shrugged and said, "I'm cute." And Kathie Lee added, "And you make each other laugh." Frankly, I'm not sure how funny Nancy is now—unless she's cracking jokes via a Ouija board! But, here's the thing—this isn't completely Kathie Lee's fault. Every television host wears an IFB, or earpiece, through which people in the control room can communicate. During my brief talk show experience, I recall going down a tricky line of questioning only to hear the word "ABORT!" screamed in my ear. So, where was Kathie's silent helper?
Every once in a while, a headline will just jump out at me. Like this one: "Gay Porn Actor Sought In Dismemberment." That makes you read on, doesn't it? When I read the name Luka Rocco Magnotta, I wondered who the hell he was. Of course, these days everyone with a webcam thinks they're a porn star. In this case, it appears that Magnotta (born Eric Newman) never really did gay porn. He did, however, try his hand at legit modeling through a Canadian reality show,"CoverGuy, only to be quickly eliminated after saying, "A lot of people tell me I'm really devastatingly good-looking." Around the same time, he achieved some notoriety after posting a video online where he killed kittens and then rubbed the dead animals against his genitalia. So, he likes pussy. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.) He later told a UK newspaper, "In the future you will be hearing from me again. This time, however, the victims won't be small animals."
True to his word, last week he allegedly killed 33-year-old Lin Jun from China, who was studying in Montreal and was his lover. Luka reportedly filmed himself committing the murder and performing sexual acts with the body. I'm told the video is online, but I certainly don't wanna see it—I didn't even look at the video of the kittens! The foot of the victim was mailed to the Conservative Party and the hand was sent to the Liberal Party—meaning that the killer is non-partisan. The torso was stuffed into a suitcase and left in a trash dumpster behind his apartment building. No word on the location of Magnotta, or, for that matter, the rest of the extremities. But please, don't think I'm making fun of him. After all, he's still at large at the time of this writing, and I have enough problems.
Many online sites are still claiming that Queen Latifah came out at Long Beach Pride—especially after she said how glad she was to be with "my people." However, Queenie is clearing things up once and for all. "I've never dealt with the question of my personal life in public. It's just not gonna happen," she told Entertainment Weekly. "To me, doing a gay pride show is one of the most fun things. My first show that paid more than $10,000 was in a gay club on New Year's Eve in San Francisco. Tupac happened to be in town, so he came to kick it with me." I'm not exactly sure, but I think she's saying she loves the gays when she's getting paid.
Our "Ask Billy" question transitions nicely from a queen to a prince. Rodney in London wrote: "Are there any real nudes of Prince William? There've been rumors in the press, but I haven't found any. I figured you'd know."
How dare you! What kind of sick person would ask for nude photos of Prince William instead of Prince Harry? Anyway, we have several shots of your heir (once removed) having a royal wee during a polo match. We're not sure how the photographer managed to get so close, but we do know that he's quite well endowed (how nice for Kate). And interesting to see that, unlike his dad, he's not circumcised. How do I know that? From the nude photos of Charles. Father and son will turn up on BillyMasters.com .
When we're celebrating the Royal Jubilee with nude monarchs, it's definitely time to end yet another column. You know, in olden days, I'm sure someone would decree "Off with his head." Of course, I'm not sure which head. Be that as it may, you can get more than head's of state at www.BillyMasters.com—the thinking man's gossip site. If you have a question of your own, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I convince Justin Bieber to play me in that movie! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
