"There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me."—David Hasselhoff shares his philanthropic side with the world. Hey Davey, I've got a wish that involves dying, but I don't think you want to hear it.
Let's get this out of the way right off the bat—yes, that was me walking into the Emmys with Justin Timberlake. I know you all saw it, courtesy of my darling Nancy O'Dell and "Access Hollywood" ( I like to pretend that Billy Bush isn't even there ) . It all happened kinda quickly, but when it was over, I turned around and found myself face-to-face with a sheik. That kinda threw me. I mean, you walk the red carpet with Justin Timberlake...that somehow makes sense in my world. You bump into a sheik, and that makes you go "Hmmm." Adding to the lunacy of the moment, the sheik kept screaming "Chebby Chin." It took a while for me to realize he was trying to get the attention of Chevy Chase—who wisely acted oblivious ( although I don't think he's that good an actor ) .
Bottom line—I was getting scoops from the get-go. Timberlake—kinda tall, kinda skinny, kinda nondescript. If you didn't know he was supposed to be someone, you'd never look twice—really. But he's nice and chatty once you get him away from his handlers. I found out that he was almost hoodwinked into appearing on "Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List." When Kath went to lunch with TI, she had the rapper call Justin on the phone. Once JT knew Kathy was there, he quickly wrapped up the call and later refused to sign a release to air the conversation. He's no fool. Someone he does love is Tina Fey, and he's gonna turn up on "30 Rock" this season. He doesn't seem to love posing for photos with fans. And he pissed off some ladies a couple nights earlier in NYC when he wanted to get into a nightclub and there was a line. He just breezed on in, while some gals said, "You can't do that." He turned and said, "Sure I can" and winked—I think it was the wink that pushed them over the edge. But with me, he was charming, lovely, and never said a bad word. He even talked to the sheik. That made one of us.
Some of my Chicago fans flew out for the Emmys and were shameless as they attacked anyone who even looked famous. I believe the most memorable moment was when I was talking to Jason Segel from "How I Met Your Mother." He was very friendly and answered some of my questions. As I was ready to leave, I mentioned how much I enjoyed his work in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." At that point, Paul from Chicago asked a question that even I had the good taste to avoid—"Was that really your penis in the movie?" I mean, Paul, why not say, "Billy made a lot of money on that penis—was it yours?" Jason smiled and said, "Yeah, that's me." As Paul went to take a photo of us, he blurted out, "Congratulations on having such a great cock!" Yes, the face Jason made at that moment is captured on film and worth checking out on BillyMasters.com . And, yes, his penis will be there too.
I don't know if you realize this but most celebs are very small. Not small like Tina Fey's little person husband. Small like having a slight build. Ryan Kwanten, who looks like the most muscular stud on True Blood, is skinny as a rail ( albeit a well-defined rail ) . Now, I think I look OK next to a normal person. Next to a really hot person, I look like their less attractive friend. But next to a hot and skinny person, I look like Mothra storming towards the city!! While most people can gain weight and it distributes everywhere, if I gain 5 pounds, it goes to my cheeks. So imagine what 15 pounds has done. Yes, a blond pumpkinhead was seen at the Emmys in a dashing tux! To make matters worse, every time my friend took a photo of me, he seemed to purposely make sure that I was in the foreground—to maximize my head, of course. I looked like the stunt double from "Mask"! In the photo with Ryan ( who went out of his way to fix his hair and tie, saying, "I wanna look good for you, Billy" ) , my head looks three times bigger than his! The only one at the Emmys bigger than me was Steven Cojocaru—but his excuse is that he's had half a dozen organs transplanted into him. Maybe I should say that's what I'm doing, too!
I, of course, didn't go straight home. I was celebrating with the folks from HBO. As always, it was the party to go to. And love was in the air. Jason Segel was thisclose to Chloe Sevigny ( you remember her—the one who gave an on-camera blow job to ex-lover Vincent Gallo ) . Hayden Panettiere was underfoot at every turn ... until she banged right into Kevin Connolly. They were inseparable thereafter. Glenn Close was transfixed by the band, while Dana Delaney was getting her groove on. Kathy Griffin breezed through on the arm of Garry Shandling—all the better for a photo-op. And I spied the very dashing Patrick Fabian—who I suspect none of you know by name. But, suffice it to say, he's definitely drool-worthy.
Because I'm not foolish enough to believe that bad pictures of me are enough to send you all to BillyMasters.com ( although, you've gotta admit, this is one helluva column ) , I'm gonna give you some skin. And, no, not mine! One of the hotties on "True Blood" was a no-show at the Emmys. That was Alexander Skarsgård, who was voted "Sexiest Man in Sweden" in 1999—and who the hell am I to argue with the Swedes? He's 6'4" and a size 13 shoe—which is information I'll be filing away for future reference. Why the hell couldn't I bump into him? At least I'd look short! Anyway, back in 2002 he did a little Swedish film called "Hund-Trick" which includes a lengthy shower scene—with two other guys! So, why not post it on our website? We'll also run pics from "Turn Your Darlings"—which I probably missed because my local multiplex is woefully short on Swedish flicks. In this one, he plays a suicidal transvestite traveling through the desert. It ain't pretty—and neither is he.
When I'm running stills from the all-Swedish version of "Priscilla," it's definitely time to end yet another column. Phew—I'm exhausted! What a week. I can't think of anything else to say, other than to direct you to www.BillyMasters.com, where you'll read a much more lengthy account of my Emmy adventures ( it is so worth the effort ) . If you've got any questions or great Photoshopping skills, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I have to borrow clothes from Cojo! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
