"I went to an English boarding school, dear. Trust me—you're in good hands." —The prince's response to his inexperienced Yank in Red, White & Royal Blue.
Picture it—your beloved Billy, lauded, admired, some might even say venerated—incognito at the Jonas Brothers at the Boston Garden (I don't care what they call it now). Nick Jonas is at the lip of the stage, walking backwards, towards a gaping hole. I'm sure you've heard of ordinary people who find themselves in extraordinary circumstances.
So imagine when I—far from ordinary—saw Nick Jonas inches away from plummeting to his death. Readers, I can't explain what came over me. But I suddenly heard my voice bellowing, "LOOK OUT, NICK!" If you watch the video, you see him cock his head just a bit—surely straining to hear a voice coming down from on high. Between my mouth and his cock—well, something magical happened. I hate to say I saved his life, but I think the facts speak for themselves.
Of course, there are other music stories in which I don't figure so prominently. Like, for instance, we just learned a shocking revelation about Beyoncé. A media outlet snagged a photo of her luggage, which included a large box labeled "Beyoncé Toilet Seats." Yes, Queen Bee requires sitting on a very particular throne—even on the road.
Britney Spears was photographed visiting Lance Bass and his twins Violet and Alexander. She captioned it, "I am a new auntie for Lance's babies!!! They are absolutely gorgeous babies!!!" It depends on how you define the term "new."..the kids are almost two! She may be a "new auntie," but she's certainly not an attentive one. Although, she's had loads of reasons to be distracted. Brit just got married last year. So, you know—newlyweds. And then there's the latest news—she's getting a divorce. OK, who had 62 weeks in the pool?
Someone named Tory Lanez has been sentenced to 10 years in prison after shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot. It happened at the end of a party at Kris Jenner's house in 2020—proving definitively that nothing good happens at a party at Kris Jenner's house. Tory claims shooting Megan was an accident. Should anyone want to make a film about this incident, I have the perfect title: "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?"
It's oft said there's no such thing as bad press, but Lizzo probably begs to differ. After multiple backup dancers filed suit against her for sexual harassment with a banana, another woman has come forward with a tale of her own—Brooklyn Elizabeth Brown claims that Lizzo slept with her boyfriend of 10 years!
It happened when Lizzo and Myke Wright were co-hosting Wonderland on MTV back in 2018. I can't imagine this is that big a scandal. Doesn't this happen all the time with co-hosts? OK, maybe not on The View, but definitely on GMA3.
At long last, my impressions of Red, White & Royal Blue.
The Amazon Prime flick is based on the "New York Times Best Selling" novel of the same name. Full disclosure—I have not read the book. But one colleague described it as the Hallmark version of Paul Rudnick's Playing the Palace—which I enjoyed very much. Both owe a debt of gratitude to Political Animals, which starred Sebastian Stan as the gay son of a U.S. President (also produced by Greg Berlanti).
The writing of this film is short on subtlety. Calling the Prince of England "Your royal hardness" or "Little Lord Fuckleroy" might seem cute on paper, but is cringeworthy when spoken aloud. It was directed by Matthew López, who wrote the award-winning play The Inheritance—and if that isn't a downward career trajectory, I don't know what is! While there are the occasional good moments in his work, all of a sudden you get a shot of the Washington Monument or the Eiffel Tower after the sex scene—oooh, how clever!
In an interview, Matty made a point of saying how vital it was to get a shot of the prince's face during the "moment of insertion"—yes, that's the term he used. I bet you won't find something like that in a Candace Cameron Bure flick!
I don't think it's too early to announce the winner of the Worst Accent in a Made-for-TV Movie will be Uma Thurman as the Texas-born U.S. President. My God, it's like a bus and truck tour of The Ann Richards Story! That said, her character handles her son's coming-out beautifully, if not believably.
You see, believability has nothing to do with movies in the Hallmark/Lifetime vein. They are all hampered with a formula and a deliberate style of acting, which I really abhor. This film is not helped by a soundtrack straight out of the Bugs Bunny/Road Runner cartoons! And speaking of animals, has a dog ever appeared less excited when its master came home from an overseas trip? The Prince's pup did everything but yawn—which I assume will be in the outtakes!
Aside from the egregious Uma, the acting is acceptable. Taylor Zakhar Perez, who plays Uma's son, is delightfully delicious and is quite believable...when he's not mugging (mostly limited to the first 10 minutes). Nicholas Galitzine as the Prince is somewhat blander, but likeable enough. They have chemistry and varying degrees of attractiveness in their corner. If the idea of a fairytale ending has not been beaten out of you by reality, then you might really enjoy this flick. But I kept thinking how much more interesting it would have been if the President had been a Republican. Anyhoo, like Mary Todd Lincoln said long before me—all in all, it was entertaining.
If Red, White & Royal Blue whetted your appetite for more middling gay made-for-TV fare, you won't have to wait long. The Hallmark Channel has announced Notes for Autumn will air on September 16th. This film is about a classical pianist (Ashley Williams) who needs a break from her city life. Her gay best friend is an author with writer's block (Luke Macfarlane) who needs a break from his life in the wilderness. They decide to swap homes...and hilarity ensues, I'm sure. Luke becomes entangled with his new neighbor, played by the dashing Peter Porte. I dunno anything else, except I feel safe in predicting we won't see a single "moment of insertion."
Staying on topic, our "Ask Billy" question comes from Gary in West Hollywood: "I think I saw the journalist from Red, White & Royal Blue in The Inheritance in L.A. Am I right? He's so sexy."
Thank you! I knew I knew him from somewhere. I saw that production of The Inheritance at the Geffen Playhouse in Brentwood, since it starred my pals Bill Brochtrup and Tuc Watkins. Juan Castano played Toby, one of the lead roles, and was really great. As I previously mentioned, The Inheritance was written by Matthew López, who directed, Red, White & Royal Blue—so there's your connection. Since Gary made me do some research, Juan also played Zachary Quinto's husband in I Am Michael, and was in the reboot of Tales of the City for Netflix—in which he donned some sexy leather gear. And since Juan has played lots of gay roles, you're probably wondering if he is.
"I would say that for the majority of my life I identified as straight," he told a reporter. "But, as I got older, I think my sexual preference has gotten more fluid. I am, as my friends say, 'on the spectrum.'" In other words, he's left his options open—and heaven knows what else! Having seen him in the flesh, I can confirm that he looks even better out of his clothes, as you can see on BillyMasters.com .
When we're inheriting a hot guy, we've definitely come to the end of another column. If you're interested in seeing Taylor Zakhar Perez's abs and ass, you might wanna check out www.BillyMasters.com —the site that always turns the other cheek. As for your questions, send them along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I'll get back to you before my next moment of insertion. So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
