"Growing up, I was called the f-word more times than I can remember. And now, I'm a faggot with a Tony!"
—Michael Arden while accepting his Best Director of a Musical Tony for Parade. BTW, the f-word was bleeped on TV.
With the never-ending writers' strike, everybody is wondering if ChatGPT could replace humans. As an experiment, I asked the AI software to write a column in the style of Billy Masters. Here is how it began:
"Ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who are still deciding what fabulous category you fall into…"
OK, let's stop right there—I would NEVER say that. First off, I find it offensive. Secondly, I rarely acknowledge my female readers this early in a column!
"I'm Billy Masters, and I've got a mouthful of sass and heart full of glitter." I am sorry to say, neither of those has ever been true. I've had a mouthful of lots of things, but I wouldn't call it sass. As to glitter —I eschew anything that causes a mess!"Now, darlings, you know I'm all about the latest tea, the hottest gossip and the fiercest trends, but sometimes we've got to take a moment to address the serious stuff. And right now, there's something in the air, honey, and it ain't the scent of Chanel No. 5." While I appreciate the Chanel reference, I suspect it somehow has Billy Masters confused with Zsa Zsa Gabor!
The writers' strike didn't dampen the Tony Awards. If anything, it showed that a lack of professional scribes streamline the ceremony. From Ariana DeBose's opening, to the production numbers, to the heartfelt speeches, people interested in theatre were in for a treat. For everyone else...well, I believe there was a MacGyver rerun on Antenna TV!
The Tonys also managed to make history. Alex Newell became the first openly nonbinary actor to win a Tony—although it was in the category of Featured Actor in a Musical for Shucked. He was quickly joined by J. Harrison Ghee, who is also nonbinary, and won Leading Actor in a Musical for Some Like It Hot.
Lest anyone be lulled into a state of complacency regarding LGBT acceptance, several thousand people showed up outside Dodger Stadium to protest the baseball team's Pride Night. Specifically, they protested an honor bestowed on a drag/trans group of chalk-faced nuns who have provided humor and comfort to those in need since 1979.
"The Dodgers community hero award goes to an organization reaching the LGBTQ+ community—the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, LA chapter," said the announcer about an hour before the game began. The main protestors consisted of a group unimaginatively called "Catholics for Catholics." They feel the "Sisters" are making a mockery of their faith—something I can't completely disagree with. On the other hand, I don't recall anyone protesting Sally Field, or that bitch with the guitar!
This week, we read about a Greek Orthodox priest who was soliciting sex on Grindr. Didya know Orthodox priests can get married? Yes, but only to women. The point being, they are not celibate. True, the Orthodox Church is far from accepting of the LGBTQ community—and they continue to ban gay weddings. But, having been raised in the faith, I've known my share of gay Orthodox priests; to say nothing of bishops—leather-wearing, motorcycle-riding bishops.
Anyway, our story is about an Orthodox priest named Archimandrite John Christodoulos (also known as Father John Vasilaris), who lives in Australia. I suppose I'm less surprised than the people who received his explicit photos and explicit sexual scenarios. Then again, for years we've promoted the Romanian Orthodox Calendar, which allegedly featured some of the holiest of holies showing off their holes.
This leads beautifully into our "Ask Billy" question. Randy in Miami writes, "What do you know about [Olympic rower] Robbie Manson? I hear he's joined OnlyFans. How much will he show?"
One of our favorite calendars is the Warwick Rowers. These sporty lads started showing off in 2009 to raise money and awareness against homophobia in sports. They morphed into an organization known as Warwick Roar, and one of their more notable members was Robbie Manson, known at the time as New Zealand's "top rower" (I'll be the judge of that). The two-time Olympian participated in the special 10th anniversary calendar, which coincided with him being named the fastest rower on the planet. Poised to participate in the 2024 Olympics, the strapping 33-year-old has indeed started an OnlyFans page.
"I can almost hear the gasps and raised eyebrows from here," said Robbie—which begs the question...are rowers genetically inclined to hear a raised eyebrow? He dashes some of our more base hopes. "I haven't gone rogue and started a secret adult film career. No! I'm on OnlyFans sharing artistic pictures that celebrate the human form in a tasteful and respectful manner. Think of it as a highbrow gallery meets my rowing journey, sprinkled with a dash of cheekiness." I guess he's not showing off his oar, which sucks. But you can definitely see all four of his cheeks on BillyMasters.com .
When all these religious stories didn't lead to a single joke about being on one's knees, it's definitely time to end yet another column. While you're sculling on the web, why not check out www.BillyMasters.com —the site that requires both hands! If you have a question for me, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before ChatGPT comes up with a funny closing joke! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
