"When you see your boyfriend washing his penis in the sink, that's a sign they're probably having an affair."
—Pamela Anderson shares a life lesson in her new documentary, "Pamela, A Love Story"
I have to confess, I've had it up to here with the politically correct police (and my "here" is any place you'd like to picture on my body). Last week, there was a heated debate about "fat shaming" in the classic Roald Dahl books. What's wrong with Dahl, asks someone who just saw through a film called The Whale?
Even the iconic James Bond is not safe. A new edition of Ian Fleming's 007 books is being readied for the 70th anniversary. These volumes include some sanitized language and eschew certain circumstances. They also carry the following disclaimer: "This book was written at a time when terms and attitudes which might be considered offensive by modern readers were commonplace." This begs the question: When was the term "Octopussy" commonplace?
I know that words and sensitivities change over time. We've heard calls for censoring Mark Twain, Harper Lee and even Margaret Mitchell. Apparently some of these cries for rewriting have actually been heeded. Did you know that, in 1969, "Pippi Longstocking" similarly underwent some clean-up in Sweden? Well, you know…Swedes!
Closer to home, my beloved Nancy Drew also went through a bit of scrubbing regarding some of the depictions of African Americans in 1959. I hope nobody laid a hand on those nice, wholesome Hardy Boys. They're all mine!
Three guys who are surely still in their prime are the Jonas Brothers. And they're coming to Broadway. No, it's not a revival of Hair. Or The Full Monty. This is a limited run of concerts that folks do to qualify for a Tony. But this particular venture has an intriguing twist. The show is called Jonas Brothers On Broadway = 5 Albums 5 Nights, which I think is self-explanatory. Each night, they will perform one album—along with a handful of greatest hits. Were I a fan, I'd go to all five shows (March 14-18). But since I can't name a single album, I'll pass.
There's a delicious rumor going around, wrapped inside some old news. Recently, Bette Midler has been talking about some film roles she turned down. Like the original Rocky (the role went to Talia Shire), or Misery (Kathy Bates).
Then there's Sister Act, which was developed for her during her reign as the Queen of Disney. Alas, Bette turned that one down for one reason alone: "My fans don't want to see me in a wimple." But she may get a chance to rectify this lapse of judgment.
As everyone knows, Whoopi is readying a return to the habit in Sister Act 3. While the scenario is well under wraps, my sources tell me that the character of the Mother Superior (played by Maggie Smith) may retire...or worse. Enter a new, tougher Mother Superior—perhaps the Divine Miss M.
Well, can't you just see it? Bette and Whoopi battling it out? The wimples will be flying! And, of course, it all makes sense—especially since Deloris' backup singers (Jenifer Lewis and Charlo Crossley) were trained at Midler's teet. Throw in some tracks by the marvelous Marc Shaiman, and it's a match made in heaven!
Here's kinda an "Ask Billy" question. Someone recently told me about a film called False Positive which allegedly had a gay sex scene between Justin Theroux and Pierce Brosnan. I never heard of it, but I was intrigued enough to tune in - and promptly dozed off. At some point, I woke up to see Justin kneel in front of Pierce and mime one of the worst blow jobs I've ever seen—and I've seen my share of blow jobs. First off, the angle was all wrong. He might as well have been picking lint out of Pierce's naval! Judge for yourself on BillyMasters.com .
Lastly, Tommy Lee is trying to direct some traffic to his OnlyFans page. And to do so, he posted a snap of his low-hanging testicles from the vantage point of his butt cheeks. I suppose that's appealing to the implant crowd. But what does it do for our boys at home? I'll post 'em on BillyMasters.com, and you can let me know.
When we can open with advice from Pamela Anderson and end with Tommy Lee's balls, we've definitely come to the end of yet another column. I remember Jeff Stryker telling me about his low hangers. He smiled and said, "When I get really hard, my dick sucks up all that skin!" If that image titillates, check out www.BillyMasters.com —the site that finds stories both high and low. For your more personal needs, you don't need to ask. You don't even need to beg. You simply need to drop a line to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before someone protests the title "Filth" (which is one of the reasons why we changed the name, but kept the following tag line). Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
