Have you ever had one of those "fat days?" You know what I'm talking about – when you feel as thick as a commission report?
1) Olympics, Part I: It was four years in the making and was full of pomp, circumstance and costumes – but enough about Cher's farewell tour.
2) Olympics, Part II: Are you like me – normally you wouldn't look at someone under 21, but you see swimmer Michael Phelps and all of a sudden you become R. Kelly?
3) Olympics, Part III: Svetlana Khorkina, the Russian "Queen of Gymnastics" (as she calls herself) said that Carly Patterson won simply because she's American. The United States – beloved? Someone should test Svetlana for drugs again.
4) Par-tay: The State University of New York at Albany has been named America's top party school. No doubt the president is celebrating the honor with a keg stand.
5) It's true: Want to know something scary? You're never physically more than three feet away from a spider. However, in the corporate world you can replace "spider" with "Republican" to know something scarier.
6) Can you hear me now?: People in Finland recently competed in a cell phone-throwing contest. It would've been a lot more interesting if they threw that Verizon guy instead.
7) Li'l Kim: She declared her innocence regarding federal perjury charges. This is officially the last time I'll be using "Lil' Kim" and "innocence" within two paragraphs of each other.
8) Stuffbak: This company sells tags that people put on their precious items so they can be returned if they're lost. I guess it's too late for Alan Keyes to register his dignity.
9) Krispy Kreme: It now has a glazed-doughnut-flavored frozen drink. If only there were coffee-flavored doughnuts to go with it.
10) Reggaeton: It's a Puerto Rican mix of hip-hop, dancehall, and salsa. In other words, the rhythmically challenged are being tortured all over again.
11) Bill O'Reilly: The talk-show host scolded a guest who outs gays – and then called a judge a lesbian. Did you just hear that stone crashing through a glass house?
12) Dance, soldier: The U.S. Army has inspired a ballet created by a Fort Worth, Texas dance company. Don't dance, don't tell.
13) Yo-J: Doesn't this yogurt-juice product's name remind you of a certain Mr. Simpson? What's next – Son of Samsonite luggage?
14) Generation gap: In India, a 25-year-old man has married his 80-year-old grandmother. Jerry Springer was best man at the wedding.
15) Ashlee Simpson: She dyed her hair black to separate herself from sister Jessica. If she really wants to distinguish herself, she should make her SKIN black.
16) George Bush: He asked Welsh singer Charlotte Church what state Wales is in. He makes Mayor Daley look like Socrates.
17) Revenge of the Sith: This is the title of the new Star Wars movie that will be out next year. By the time it gets here, most of us will be sith of the hype.
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