This column is part of a series that addresses issues frequently affecting gay and lesbian ( as well as many opposite-sex ) relationships. Written by a professional counselor with vignettes based on real people and situations, the series is meant to help support couples through developmental stages and common difficulties.
"Tea for Two?"
After a few months as a couple, Ted and Uri continue to be nuts about each other. They have great sex, make each other laugh, and feel more passionately connected than either one has ever felt with anyone before. They've just started discussing moving in together because Uri's lease is up in two months.
Both have long histories of getting restless in relationships and going back to the single life without much hesitation. For the moment, they're in love, they're hoping everything will be different, but both express fears that the other will eventually lose interest and be swept away by some new, sweet young thing.
And neither one seems to be able to offer the other much reassurance. Both Ted and Uri know their own relationship track records aren't sterling. Both have been in love before...and both admit to cheating on previous lovers. They're quick to point out that staying true to each other may be easier in this relationship because of how "right" it feels this time. But they agree sheepishly that they may be kidding themselves.
They both want the relationship. They both want to live together. But the truth is, neither Ted nor Uri is convinced that he ( or his lover ) has it in him to be sexually monogamous.
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Monogamy. While many gay men say they hope for a peaceful, "settled-down" relationship with one man forever, they often admit that it seems like a pipe dream. Especially in urban areas, where hordes of single men cruise each other every night until the wee hours, it can feel difficult to commit to one partner...no matter how much love and attraction may be in the equation...and, even harder, to believe that one's lover might successfully commit back.
As comedian Chris Rock has said, "A man is only as faithful as his options." I don't believe this cynical little comment truly applies to all men, but it seems that many gay men ( and straight women ) have come to accept it as gospel.
I don't mean to exclude lesbians from this discussion, but commitment is generally less of an issue for us. In fact, our tendencies are to rush into commitment too quickly...sort of as a way of getting to know each other.
No, this is about men: the male of the species, who has been biologically predisposed to plant his seed in as many places as possible, whose sexuality may be tied to the challenge of "the hunt," and who has been socialized...whether straight or gay...to avoid "nesting" as long as he can. Straight men often get some of this knocked out of them by their relationships with women, but gay men...even the ones who don't like it in themselves or their lovers...have little incentive to change what may feel like their natural inclinations.
So, what about Ted and Uri? What can they do to straddle the gulf between what may be a natural tendency to keep "hunting" with their very real desire to settle down with each other?
First, check out the possibility that they might be scared. Why wouldn't they be? Relationships are scary, and committed relationships can be scarier. Gay committed relationships are, of course, scarier still. Committing to a monogamous relationship may mean that Ted and Uri will have to look at themselves and change some things that feel unchangeable. They might have to open themselves up to being hurt or rejected or, even worse for some people, being deeply loved for who they are under all their masks and defenses.
But let's say Ted and Uri have been in therapy and have already worked through their issues about commitment. Let's say they really know that monogamy is not their cup of tea, for whatever reason. Options are many, though all of them require a serious, open, and scrupulously honest ongoing discussion. If neither fellow tends toward jealous feelings ( this is a huge "if" ) , they might explore:
... Allowing each other to sexually "hook up" ( safely, of course ) with other guys, provided it's not with anyone they know and is not talked about with anyone they know.
... Allowing for "hooking up" with other guys, but only as a couple.
... Allowing for the possibility of another sexual relationship in one or both of their lives, provided the Ted-Uri connection remains explicitly primary.
... Deciding to maintain separate households, do whatever with whomever during the week, but hold weekends for each other.
... Allowing "extracurricular" activities, but only when out of town.
The key to all of these possibilities is honesty. Lying or hiding erodes a relationship much more deeply than having sex with someone else. Even an explicit agreement to never discuss outside sexual experiences can lead to feeling like you're not being completely yourself with the person you love.
The worst-case scenario is when one member of a couple is just going along with his partner's wishes to have a sexually "open" relationship, all the while hoping it never gets to that point. This kind of decision is not like giving in to your pastel-loving boyfriend's desire to paint the bedroom baby blue. Jealousy, even in its milder forms, can be an excruciating emotion. Don't agree to anything without really considering the consequences...and how it will make you feel. And don't be afraid to speak up later if you initially misjudged your ability to handle being so "open." Tell the truth, to your partner and to yourself.
One more note about any of these arrangements: they often result in a break-up. Not always. But they're very tricky...no pun intended. They require more honesty and self-awareness and generosity than most of us are capable of. Few people are completely without jealous feelings, and very few couples have a bond that is completely invulnerable. Sometimes denial can get you through the hard times for awhile, e.g., "he was probably just out playing Scrabble until 4 in the morning." But most people can't keep that up for long.
Keeping a relationship together is a struggle, even if you play by all of society's rules. As a same-sex couple, you're already rule-breakers. If you and your lover insist on being non-monogamy pioneers, you will likely have to circle the wagons and put up quite a fight.
Request for feedback: If you've been in an "open" relationship of any kind for more than a year and it seems to be working, please e-mail me at the address below and tell me about it. Most...though not all...of the non-monogamous arrangements I know about have gone down in flames. Keep me and my readers well-informed. I'd appreciate it.
Please e-mail questions or ideas to Paula at paulajean@msn.com . Paula Walowitz, M.A., LPC, is a counselor in private practice who works with couples and individuals. She can be reached at 773-293-3688.
