... Dear Rev. Fred Phelps.
I know you're reading this, you little worm. I know how you make your money, suing papers that you believe to be libeling you. Well, you won't get me, OK? Let me just tell you that I've absolutely had it with you. I'm sick of hearing about you, I'm sick of looking at you. Yes, I've looked upon your face. I was in San Francisco when you came with your bus-load of Christian circus clowns to protest at the memorial service of Randy Shilts. I could have given you the present I have for you then, but I have a strong aversion to the smell of Christian circus clown shit, so I never got close enough to you to do it. However, Frederick, the next time you come near me, I'll be happy to give you what I have for you. What is it, you ask? Well, Freddy, let me give you a few hints. It's big, Freddy. It's black. It's oiled up and shiny. And it's loaded, Freddy. It's loaded and it's cocked. You can take it orally or you can take it anally, I don't care. When it goes off though, Freddy, when it shoots, you're gonna go to heaven. Don't you wanna go to heaven, Freddy? I know you do. I'm just the queen that can help you get there.
All you have to do is come near me again, Freddy. That's all you have to do to get the present I have for you. I'll be waiting. In fact, I've been waiting for you a terribly long time and I can hardly wait any longer. Your's truly, love, Joan Jett-Blakk.
... I'm confused. I work in a place where you can buy or rent or view videos and DVD's. Of a sexual nature, I might add. The thing that is most confusing to me is that the mostly straight clientele of this place seems to get off on watching two women have sex. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that hetero sex involved a woman and a man, and that hetero sex people get off on watching that unnatural act. I'm finding out that that isn't true at all. All hetero sex men want to see is two women having what I'm sure is gay sex, even though the women having the sex and the men watching the sex don't think that what they're doing is in any way 'gay.'
Then, there's the problem of watching a woman and a man do sex. If a man, who considers himself hetero, gets off on watching another man do sex, whether that sex is with a woman or not, doesn't that make him queer? Isn't he watching the man as much as he's watching the woman? Wouldn't a real hetero man want to see only women do sex, even though that's very gay? See what I mean?
And what of hetero women? Do they get off on watching two men do sex? Is this why lesbians are the most highly evolved creatures?
Just so you know, my birthday has come and gone, and nobody sent me a skateboard punk in a box. Maybe they don't come in boxes, I don't know, but I didn't get one for Xmas or for my birthday. Now, I'm going to have to go get one myself. That would be OK, except, I'm not allowed near any suburban high schools ...
OK, just when you thought the next presidential race was scary enough (Al Sharpton??), Gary Hart says he's thinking of running. If that's the case, then it must be time for the Joan Jett-Blakk for President exploratory committee to do some research. Listen, I'd have better hair than Al-fucking-Sharpton if I had no hair at all, OK? Furthermore, I've never been caught fucking bimbos on boats, either, and I certainly wouldn't taunt photographers while doing so. I'd take my own, thankyouverymuch! Of course, not the same ones that R. Kelly used ...
I'm conducting a pole—(Not quite the same thing as a poll). Let me know if you think I should run for president again. Contact me at