While I was shoveling snow for about the seven millionth time this winter, I was wondering what I should write about for my next column. Then all of a sudden it hit me like an ice-covered snowball: a Pretzel Logic look at things related to the cold and icy ( ex-boyfriends not included ) .
Snow Job – Part One
Contrary to popular belief, there are not 400 Eskimo words for snow.
Uric Acid Is Not An Official Snow Cone Flavor
Does that old phrase 'never eat yellow snow' apply to guys who wear a yellow hankie in their back right pockets?
Is there an Eskimo word for 'yellow snow'?
Snow Job – Part Two
A list of the '100 Eskimo Words for Snow' can be found on the Internet, but it was created as a joke. This is too bad because two entries in that list would have answered the question posed in the previous item: tliyel - snow that has been marked by wolves; and tliyelin- snow that has been marked by Eskimos.
Are The Inuit Into It?
Many sources on the Internet state that the word Inuit should be used to describe all the Native peoples living in the arctic regions of Alaska, Canada, Siberia and Greenland. However, the following quote from a web site sums up what seems to be the real story: 'The terms 'Eskimo' and 'Inuit' are frequently used interchangeably, however the term 'Inuit' does not properly include the Alutiiq, Inupiaq, Sug'piak, and Yup'ik Eskimo populations of Alaska, or the Yupik population of Eastern Russia. 'Inuit' refers to Arctic Native populations in Canada. Most Inuit do not call themselves 'Eskimo,' and many find the latter term highly offensive. The speakers of the Yupik languages don't usually share this view, and may self-identify as 'Eskimo.''
An Eskimo By Any Other Name
And to prove that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, here's another quote from another web site: 'Yup'ik speakers prefer to be called 'Yup'iks''... and — in contrast to Inuit in Canada — don't mind the word 'Eskimo,' but they do not like to be called 'Inuit.''
Inuit is a plural noun. The singular form is Inuk.
The shape of a snowflake is determined by several factors, including humidity, wind currents and temperature. In general, here are the types of snowflakes you are likely to find based on the temperature: 32-25° F, thin hexagonal plates; 25-21° F, needles; 21-14° F, hollow columns; 14-10° F, sector plates ( hexagons with indentations ) ; 10-3° F, dendrites ( lacy hexagonal shapes ) .
It's A Pity This Isn't True Of The Olson Twins, Too
Theoretically, it is possible for two snowflakes to look alike, but in reality it's not likely you'd ever actually see them.
George W. Bush Should Sink Like Ten Tons Of Lead
Ice floats because it is about 9% less dense than liquid water.
In 1887, Montana experienced the largest snowflakes ever recorded, averaging about fifteen inches in diameter.
Mixin' It Up
I simply HATE the freaking term 'wintry mix,' which seems like some stupid, bland, generic, meteorologically PC term used by chicken-shit weather forecasters too afraid to commit to predicting sleet or freezing rain. It also sounds like the name of some frosted-haired drag queen.
Geographically Challenged, But Cute
Country music cutie Brad Paisley has a Christmas CD which includes a song he wrote called 'Penguin, James Penguin.' The song is about a penguin who is 'Santa's secret spy,' even though penguins live in the Antarctic, while Santa's home at the North Pole is at the other end of the world in the Arctic.
Similar To Siegfried And Roy
Back in February of 2004 the news media reported on two 'gay' penguins, Silo and Roy, who were 'completely devoted to each other.' The two male penguins would entwine their necks, have sex with each other and show no interest in female penguins. They also tried to hatch a rock as if it were an egg, and when given a fertilized egg to hatch they did so, and fed the female chick food from their beaks until she was old enough to feed herself.
OK, So Maybe Not EXACTLY Like Siegfried & Roy
In 2006 it was reported that the two male penguins broke up, and one of them, Silo, partnered with a female penguin. Maybe they should have named the penguins Jack and Ennis.
If you're a drag queen named Wintry Mixx, you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com