I had planned on writing a second Halloween column for this issue of Nightspots, but that was before I saw Kathy Griffin live at the Chicago Theater. So, instead of demons, devils and Dr. Jekyll, here's a Pretzel Logic look at the diva of the D-list.
I Have Jesus People Mad At Me, Too
Kathy Griffin has the Jesus junkies mad at her because of her Emmy Award acceptance speech. However, on the afternoon of the day of the show I was on my front porch with some workers who were pouring a new front sidewalk in front of my house when three young women walked up and started their savior spiel. Suffice to say, things ended with the most vocal of the three saying she was going to pray for me 'because I'd just hate to think you'd be going to hell,' but then all three were visibly shaken when I replied 'I won't be going to hell because there isn't one--just like there isn't a god.'
Not Quite Walking On Water
After the three left one of the cement workers said 'I should've let her walk in the wet cement,' which is what she almost did when she started to take a step forward to give us her proselytizing pamphlet.
Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Good-Bye
Maybe we should call all these mobile messiah maniacs, male or female, 'proselytutes.'
…Me, That's Who
Twelve of us were going to the show, with eleven meeting at a restaurant beforehand. I arrived on time, but didn't see anyone I knew. I was in line almost ten minutes to talk to the reservation desk, and then some little boy butted ahead of me just as I approached the desk, asking 'my parents made reservations, when are we going to be seated?' Obviously, the kid was sent by his parents because who could be so mean, cantankerous, and just plain unreasonable as to object to a sweet, little child butting ahead of him in line after waiting ten minutes on a busy Saturday night at a popular restaurant?
My Life On The Cuneiform-List
Emmy winner Kathy Griffin might be on the D-list, but if writing this column gets me any degree of fame at all, it's not even the 'Z-list.' My list is denoted by ancient Sumerian cuneiform script.
My 'Dinner' With Kathy Griffin - As It Really Happened
Waiting in line at the Chicago Theater, we were about a half block east on Lake when a crew member ( from the theater, the company producing the show for TV, or Emmy-winning Kathy Griffin's staff, who knows? ) exited a backstage door that opened to the street where we were standing, and she gave us a handful of Halloween candies. I got a peanut butter cup, and asked: 'Does this count as dinner with Kathy Griffin?'
My Kathy Griffin Hand Job
I applauded so much at the show my palms were sore.
My Dinner With Kathy Griffin - Shamelessly Exaggerating The Details As I Retell It
My friends and I were in line for the show when one of Kathy's assistants let us into the backstage area of the theater where we got to snack on some leftover appetizers, and Kathy made a quick personal appearance where she said she hoped we would all enjoy the show.
Monty Paris' Flying Circus
Kathy's impersonation of Paris Hilton's walk was just right, and reminded me of something John Cleese might do for the Ministry of Silly Walks.
Kathy's Main Twinks
There were two very thin and very gay guys a few rows ahead of where I was sitting, both wearing sleeveless black T-shirts, and the one with sequins around his shirt's arm openings walked like Kathy walking like Paris.
My Dinner With Kathy Griffin - Bearing No Relation To Reality At All As I Retell It Yet Again
I just couldn't believe it when Emmy Award recipient Kathy Griffin insisted on treating me to a private dinner to tell me that she was a huuuuuuuuuuuge fan of Pretzel Logic and that she wanted to pay me tons of money to work for her, but just then Paris Hilton burst in--with a gun...
Slip Slidin' Away
Kathy's closing joke about Barbara Walters and personal lubricant was really slick.
From Kathy To Kathryn
After the show some of us went to Gentry on State where Kathryn Payne was performing. Unfortunately, I'm out of room here, so go see her yourself to find out how very entertaining she is.
If you're Emmy-owning Kathy Griffin and want to help get me off the Cuneiform-List, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com . If you're a twink with a sequence-embellished black sleeveless T-shirt, try sending me a message through parishilton.com .
