n response to my recent item about woodcocks, well-hung guinea fowls, etc., I received an e-mail from a reader who happens to work at a Chicagoland forest preserve ( as opposed to someone who 'works' a Chicagoland forest preserve ) . Most of the column below is taken from what he had to say [ with a few comments added here and there by me in brackets ] .
The Best Start To A Letter I've Ever Received
'Dear Sir, I have endlessly enjoyed your column... '
One Habitat For The Feathered Woodcock And One For The Non-Feathered Type
'I perform a bird survey [ for a Chicago-area ] forest preserve... The picnic area, a third of my site, is coincidentally [ 'coincidentally,' I'm sooooo sure ] a cruise parking area so it is great habitat for all sorts of woodcock.'
A Woodcock In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Brush
'The bird you mentioned... requires open areas surrounded by brush for its bizarre courtship displays. Sorta like the guys, though most of them stay in their cars.'
Instead Of The 'Woodstock' Festival I Could Call It The First Annual Pretzel Logic 'Woodcock' Festival
'If you care to see these testosterone-driven males in action I would more than love to invite you and any friends to see and hear their awesome display.'
Birds Of A Feather
'If sex-starved cock doesn't appeal to you [ it just might ] , then we could always check out the Hairy Woodpeckers, and for your chickenhawk friends, the Downy woodpeckers. If you're truly good... there is the ever-ready Great-horned owl.'
If It Helps?!!!
'If it helps, I have an awesome body and look good in boots.' [ Yeah, he's a regular reader alright! ]
An Avid David Fan!
He closed his e-mail with the phrase: 'An Avid Fan Who Actually Uses a Cruise Woods for Other than Cruising ( Trust me, I've Seen the Talent ) ' [ When regulars from Little Jim's seek the great outdoors! ]
Sorry, Can't Help You There, Too 'Serious'
'P. S. If you could possibly mention that condom wrappers, Kleenex, and the condoms containing the contents of new-found buddies be properly disposed of in trash receptacles instead of the forest floor, I would truly be grateful.'
I Hear They Also Swallow Swallows
In another e-mail sent by my new-found woodcock buddy, he mentioned that the woodcocks' courtship displays continue ' ...for about forty minutes interrupted only by the chance passing of an owl ( great-horned no less ) who would love to choke down some tasty woodcock.'
Tarzan Has A Computer ( And Dumped Jane For Lorena Bobbitt )
Speaking of woodcocks ( or should I say 'toothpicks'? ) I was on AOL recently and received an IM ( not from the booted woodcock stud, I hope ) who attempted to start an online conversation with this hot opening line 'hi me just had shower naked my cock is hard 0 inchs [ sic ] '
Somehow I Believe The First Estimate A Lot More
A few seconds later Mr. Hung-Like-A-Eunuch 'corrected' himself by sending this message: '9 inchs'
R U There?
I was far too busy laughing for the next hour or two to ever respond.
According to the guy's AOL profile, his name is 'Robin.'
If you too have an awesome body and look good in boots, you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com .
If, however, you just had shower and cock is hard 0 inchs, you can e-mail me at email@example.com