Windy City Media Group Frontpage News

THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Pre-order Book!
Pre-order Book!
Donate

Sponsor
Sponsor

  NIGHTSPOTS

dateland
by Jennifer Parello
2007-11-07

This article shared 2287 times since Wed Nov 7, 2007
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


I'm not certain why Lucy asked me out because everything I did seemed to irritate her. The only reason I decided to go out with her was because I enjoyed irritating her.

On our first date, she ordered me to pick her up at her office at a specific time. 'Don't be late,' she commanded in the no-nonsense message she left on my voicemail the night before. 'I've made reservations at a white-table-cloth restaurant.'

'What's a white-table-cloth restaurant?' I asked my spiritual and dating advisor, Robert, after I played the message for him. During my fertile dating periods, we'd spend hours at work analyzing messages left by prospective love interests.

'It's a restaurant that has white tablecloths,' he said with a yawn. 'Instead of the gnarled, graffitied bare picnic tables you're used to eating at.'

'She referred to herself twice in the third person the last time we talked. Do you think that's a red flag?' I asked.

'I think she's one big red flag. Here's my prediction: She'll bully you into ordering something you don't like and she'll spend the evening questioning your career choices. But all that aggression will disappear in the boudoir. She'll be completely passive and needy and you'll have to reassure her constantly. But, she makes a lot of money, so you'd might as well get a free dinner out of her.'

True to Robert's prediction, the dinner was a miserable experience. Lucy treated me like a hostile witness, and battered me with intimidating questions about my romantic and professional history that left me feeling guilty and defensive. And then she insisted on ordering for us.

I'm a good sport when it comes to dining out. I never whine about the restaurant choice and I always manage to find something I like on the menu. Lucy had chosen a sushi restaurant for our date. I do not eat anything that still has enough life left in it to bite me back. So, I ordered edamame and California rolls.

Lucy issued a wave of dismissal and told the waiter to bring us a fish whose name suggested that it spent its miserable life wallowing in muck before it was plucked from the shallows and rolled in a bit of rice. It arrived, still quivering with what seemed to be a pulse.

'I won't eat that,' I said, pushing the plate away from me.

'Oh, yes you will,' she said, sounding way too much like the rage-filled mother of my childhood nemesis, who demanded that the kids in the neighborhood call her 'Hoot.'

'No, I won't,' I said. Then I began humming a Sinatra song quietly, knowing that Lucy hated Sinatra. ( What kind of fool hates Sinatra? )

We spent the rest of the meal arguing over whether I'd eat the raw thing squirming its way across the table. The argument continued on the cab ride back to her home, an impressive brownstone bought on the backs of the oppressed she brutalized in her role as a corporate attorney. She commanded me to follow her inside to continue the argument and pounced on me as soon as we stepped inside.

'Be gentle with me,' she whimpered, as I cursed silently, knowing there was no way she'd allow me to sneak out early the next morning.

This mystery series follows my dating adventures over one damp autumn. If you can guess which woman I end up, I'll send you a fabulous prize. Register your guess-and find new clues-at www.jenniferparello.com

For the first two installments of this Dateland Mystery, go to www.jenniferparello.com .


This article shared 2287 times since Wed Nov 7, 2007
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email





Windy City Media Group does not approve or necessarily agree with the views posted below.
Please do not post letters to the editor here. Please also be civil in your dialogue.
If you need to be mean, just know that the longer you stay on this page, the more you help us.


  ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Gay News

dateland 2007-12-19
- Readers, let's get this out in the open: I'm going to admit something that you have all been far too polite to tell me. This mystery series is one of the lamest things I've ever written. ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-11-21
- I first met Ellen at a charity event. It was a typical lesbian affair. The price of admission entitled you to cheap beer and several awkward encounters with women you've been trying to avoid for years. ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-10-24
- y first date with Vanessa was on one of those damp, wind-whipped autumn days that make you yearn for flannel blankets, long naps, and large dogs that have no respect for your personal boundaries. The date ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-10-17
- This is how it always begins: a draught followed by a storm. For three months my dating landscape was as barren as the surface of the moon. And, then, suddenly, I was in demand. This situation ...


Gay News

BOOK REVIEW: Dateland 2007-10-03
- Author Jennifer Parello. McKenna Publishing Group, 198 pages, $19 Jennifer Parello's debut novel, Dateland, is a fun romp through a world populated entirely by lesbians who talk non-stop in the kind of patter made famous—if not ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-09-26
- I had a few friends over for dinner last night. All of them are in long-term relationships-10, 20, 30 years. So, just to stir up trouble, I asked them all to tell me stories about their dating adventures before they met ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-09-12
- What they don't tell you in lesbian school is that when you get involved in a relationship, you also get in a relationship with your new girlfriend's friends. This can prove to be a strain on ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-08-29
- I was sitting at home yesterday, minding my own business, trying to think happy thoughts, when the phone rang. It was a woman interested in renting a cottage that I own across the street from my ...


Gay News

Dateland 2007-08-01
- There's a song from Gentleman Prefer Blondes that's called 'When Love Goes Wrong.' The first line of the song is: 'When love goes wrong, nothing goes right, this one thing I know.' For years, I believed ...


Gay News

Parello Out with Dateland 2007-08-01
- Jennifer Parello, who writes a column called 'Dateland' for the Windy City Media Group publication Nightspots, has come out with a book of the same name. Dateland is a novel that follows the romantic adventures ...


Gay News

Dateland 2007-07-18
- For years I've been trying to convince my friends to buy matching outfits. I don't want us to dress the same every day. That would be creepy, and, possibly, against the law. All I have asked is that on one evening ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-07-04
- s I was preparing for a move recently, I found a stash of love letters from old girlfriends. As I read them, I came to the conclusion that most love letters are really stupid. That's no reflection on the writing skills ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-06-20
- Although I have no desire to have children myself, I've often fantasized about getting involved with a single mother. Being a stepmother seemed to have all the benefits of motherhood without the hassles. You'd be the ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-05-23
- I recently moved out of the city to a small resort town on Lake Michigan. Why did I do this? To answer this question would raise existential issues that I'm not comfortable addressing without a drink ...


Gay News

dateland 2007-03-28
- Jere's the problem with England's civil partnership ceremonies (CPC) : the government won't allow participants to refer to God, sex, or marriage during the ceremony, but it's perfectly okay to use the word 'ephemeral.' ...


 



Copyright © 2021 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives. Single copies of back issues in print form are
available for $4 per issue, older than one month for $6 if available,
by check to the mailing address listed below.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.
All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 

 

 

TRENDINGBREAKINGPHOTOS







Sponsor
Sponsor


 



Donate


About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots      OUT! Guide     
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam      Outguide Categories      Outguide Advertisers      Search Outguide      Travel      Dining Out      Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.