[Scene: The White House, last June. George W. Bush paces nervously around the Oval Office. He sits at his desk, sticks his finger contemplatively into a mechanical pencil sharpener, then, as he is about to turn the crank, thinks better of it. Instead, he folds his hands together, and looks heavenward.]
GEORGE: Oh, Lord, my election campaign is about to heat up and I'm scared. As You know, Iraq and the economy don't look good. Maybe my detractors are right—maybe I am just a drunken frat boy, driving our country into a ditch. Help me, O Lord ...
[There is a blinding flash of red light, a trap door beside George's desk opens, and a thick-set man with a large, dark mustache emerges from Below. He wears a trench coat and fedora, and speaks with a heavy Russian accent]
JOE: Vy you ask Heem? Vy you not ask me?
GEORGE: Who—who are you?
JOE: Name will mean nothing to you, Comrade. I am Joseph Stalin, brutal dictator of great Union of Soviet Socialist Republics from 1929 until death in 1953.
GEORGE: Wow, yeah, you're Boris! Boris Badanov from Rocky and Bullwinkle! I love your accent. You're real funny, man. Hey, where's Moose and Squirrel?
JOE: Unlike me, Moose and Squirrel not have debt to off pay to Fearless Leader, Satan —who send me to advise you on matters of state.
GEORGE: Hey wait. Aren't you a pinko? Didn't you force Russia, Eastern Europe, and parts of Asia to become Communist?
JOE: [Shrugging] Same like you force United States, Iraq, and parts of Latin America to become Democracies.
GEORGE: [Squinting his little eyes in concentration, he finally decides he gets it] Well, OK, then. This won't be the first time I've taken advice from a cartoon. Shoot.
JOE: I hear you have doubt. Doubt about self?
GEORGE: Yeah. This is gonna be one tough campaign. What if my opponent questions my ability to govern? Or diagrams one of my sentences? Then there's the facts. Facts about Iraq, job loss, soldier loss, stem cell abortion. I don't like facts, Boris. I don't know any.
JOE: So? American public don't like facts, either. Poll say, the less public know about Iraq, the more public like Iraq.* And the less President know about Iraq, the more public like President—NOT smart opponent with war record. I speet on opponent. Pah. [He spits into a corner of the room and a little flame pops up from the rug]
GEORGE: Neat! I wish I could do that.
JOE: Don't worry, Comrade, you will. Just remember polls. People like folksy, Jed-Clampett exterior, forceful body language, and improved facial expressions—not knowledge, experience, or ability to govern.
GEORGE: Hoo-wee, I'm a shoe-in! [Unnoticed by George, the fire has quietly begun to spread]
JOE: Now we do exercise. I am insolent anti-Bush activeest. [Messes up hair, gives 'Peace' sign] Meester President. 9/11 Commission, Carnegie Endowment for Peace, and CIA all say there no viable connection between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. None. How you answer these charges?
GEORGE: Uh. I stand there, forcing my personality and improving my facial forcefulness?
JOE: Nyet, Comrade. You lie. Lie like Soviet rug. Lie about military budget, number of jobs created, healthcare, economic plan, success in spreading of ideology. Same thing work for me.
GEORGE: But won't people catch on? [Flames move across carpet and up drapes]
JOE: No matter. Because, from under Jed-Clampett exterior, you extract folksy thug connections. They intimidate Black voters in South; lock up activeests for days at Republican Convention; install hackable voting computers; put out false information about opponent's war record. Then, to get public mind off Iraq, frighten nation with evils of gay marriage.
GEORGE: Gay marriage ... [Snapping fingers] Hey! I think I'll gay-bait my opponent, too! Call him 'sensitive.' Imply he's a latte-sipper who's got a thing for his running 'mate'—get it? Hey, thanks, Boris! This is gonna be fun! [The back of George's chair catches fire]
JOE: You know, Comrade, I envy you. Years ago, we in Soviet Union believe—as you do now—in suppression of criticism, dissent, even scientifically proven facts. Only we use Siberia, mental asylums, purges. We make mistake of taking criticism seriously, calling opponents counterrevolutionaries, enemies of state. We should have laughed at them like you do, calling them latte-sippers. Your method friendlier. Cut down on gulag expenses. [Loosening his collar at the growing heat, Joe makes ready to leave]
GEORGE: [Leaning back in chair] That's the American way, Comrade. You got to be nice to the serfs. Poor little dudes. Keep working harder, longer, losing their homes and health and kids to this war, never complaining. [Pause] Bunch of backward idiots ... .
JOE: [Opening trap door] Not to worry, Comrade. They starve to death in next economic plan.
GEORGE: Meanwhile, I better not catch 'em storming the Winter Palace—I mean White House. I'll send out the Cossacks—er—National Guard.
JOE: [Disappearing Below] Remember to wait until after election, Comrade.
GEORGE: Da. I mean, yeah. [Trap door closes, as George, oblivious, from his desk, looks presidentially through the flames, into the Future.]
____
* Pew Research Center for People and the Press, June 17, 2004. 'Americans are paying markedly less attention to the bloodshed in Iraq ... . At the same time, their opinions about the war have become more positive.'
DAY OF THE LIVING IRAQIS
(PU) On Sept. 8, news media announced that the number of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq had reached 1,000. That same day, several residents of the Washington, D.C., area inexplicably reported seeing what they described as recently killed Iraqis, walking around the nation's capital, window shopping, lined up at the Department of Motor Vehicles, and registering to vote.
In the Dupont Circle area, a young man, appearing to be of Middle Eastern decent, approached Troy Burns, a 39-year-old Washingtonian. 'He had on this long, dirty tunic-thing, and there were five or six small black holes in his chest,' remembered Burns. 'I write for Six Feet Under, so I immediately guessed what was up.' The youth, whom Burns called 'dazed yet determined,' asked Burns politely for directions to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. 'I was getting creeped out,' said Burns, 'so I went home. I knew the answer had to be on TV.'
Upon returning to his apartment, Burns saw, live on C-SPAN, an older Middle Eastern gentleman, addressing an audience of reporters at a National Press Club luncheon. 'You say 1,000 of your soldiers have died,' proclaimed the man, whom the TV caption described as an unidentified Arab who had suddenly materialized at the podium. 'We are sorry you have lost children. Please know, however, that for every American soldier dead in battle, your country has killed, at minimum, 10 of our civilians. These people are among you today to claim the freedom and democracy your President promised us.'
The man was later identified as Faisal Ahmed, a 66-year-old Iraqi grandfather of eight, who died in Najaf of an apparent heart attack when American troops put a bag over his head to detain him. According to pamphlets found scattered around the Beltway and major Washington tourist sites, Ahmed is a spokesperson for the New Operation Of Iraqi Liberation [NO-OIL], an organization formed to demand human rights for the several thousand civilians killed in Iraq by American and Allied forces over the past 18 months.
Although there are no reliable figures for the entire country of Iraq, the Associated Press reports that various authorities estimate anywhere from 10,000 to 30,000 Iraqis have been killed since the U.S. invasion of Iraq in March 2003. Amnesty International calculates that over 10,000 Iraqi civilians died in the first year of conflict, alone.*
But for at least one day, death did not appear to stop these Iraqis from being seen—and heard—by some in the area.
'This typical Muslim woman in a head scarf comes in looking for her daughter,' said Alice Johnson, who works at the Department of Missing Persons for DC's Third District. 'I ask the usual, 'Age? Distinguishing characteristics?' She says, 'Iraqi, black hair, brown eyes. My daughter was almost four years old when I died.'
'I freeze—I mean, I have a son stationed over there. She goes on: 'I saw my daughter in the lap of an American soldier right before your bomb went off. You find her for me. My daughter's going to be five soon. You people promised us a new life.' Ever since, I've been sitting here, just staring out this window.'
Not every encounter with the Iraqi dead has been without incident, however. 'These camel jockeys just barge into my house and start carting everything out,' gasped Norman Phelps, ex-Marine and homeowner in the exclusive neighborhood of Chevy Chase. 'They dump my stuff on the lawn and announce they're moving in. They were talking about 'reparations.' Said we invaded their country, now we're going to see how it feels.'
Such militant tactics, say NO-OIL pamphlets, belong to the extremist fringe, and do not represent the organization as a whole. The Iraqi literature also explains that most NO-OIL members were killed accidentally, and seek now, through nonviolent means, to return to their families and live in peace. Anonymous sources, however, have indicated that several jails and detention centers holding Middle Eastern immigrants for months on minor visa violations have been targeted by the group for 'liberation.' But when reporters tried to verify these rumors, Mr. Ahmed could not be found for comment. Nor could any of the other Iraqi deceased. Indeed, it appears that suddenly, after only some 24 hours, the Iraqis have quietly vanished.
'They were never here to begin with,' stated Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, one of several Bush administration higher-ups who continue to disavow the existence of the Iraqi dead. 'Or they were faking it. In either case, this is further proof that we should stay in Iraq and finish the job. In the name of peace, we may have to kill some of these people twice.' Following this line of thought, President Bush has ordered Homeland Security to develop a new surveillance system that can detect the dead.
Democratic Presidential hopeful John Kerry, whose support for a U.S. military presence in Iraq is comparable to that of George Bush, has called Americans claiming to have seen Iraqi dead 'sensitive girlie-men,' adding that, even if recently deceased Iraqis were proven to exist, they could not be granted protection under the Bill of Rights.
Television writer Troy Burns, on the other hand, declares he is proud to be a girlie-man. 'Queer people complain about being invisible—at least we're alive,' Burns continues. 'I hope the Iraqis come back. I need help with my treatment for an HBO pilot—Six Thousand Feet Under. It's about typical Iraqis and how they might have lived out their lives if we hadn't killed them. You think anybody will watch it?
______
* CBC News, Associated Press, Sept. 14, 2004.
© Susie Day, 2004
