OK, so in the last couple of weeks we've established that I have a fetish for decoy ducks; I know it's weird, but compared to the President of the U.S. cigaring an intern, it's not that weird.
So with wooden ducks on my sexual menu, I was intrigued to read an article on the Web site Expatica.com (The Netherlands): 'The conservator of the Rotterdam Natuurmuseum has won an Ig Nobel Prize for the world's most useless research, awarded for his study into the alleged first case of homosexuality and necrophilia among wild ducks.'
'Kees Moeliker's article described a rare occurrence in which a wild duck was killed when it flew against the glass façade of the museum in 1995. The duck had been pursued by another male duck, which then raped the dead duck almost continuously for 75 minutes.'
The Ig Nobel Prize is presented by the U.S. periodical, Annals of Improbable Research, and the awards are given out at Harvard University in Cambridge to 10 academics whose research makes people laugh and think.
Apparently, the necro-rapist duck was a Mallard … a very, very horny Mallard. Who knew that a duck would fuck a dead duck? You learn something new every day …
Why isn't there a Dyke Eye for the Straight Chick? … Uh … I can think of several reasons, but if I write them down here certain lesbians would kill me …
Let's just say that if you can find a straight chick that wants to be made-over to look like Charles Bronson and doesn't mind the décor of her house resembling an auto repair shop, then Dyke Eye for the Straight Chick is a good idea. Oh boy, I'm going to pay for that line.
Barbra Streisand recently told Reader's Digest: 'Really, I just get sick of it. That's why I gave up concerts—in addition to having stage fright and the exertion of singing 30 songs a night, it's boring to sing your own songs.' And for some of us, darling, it's boring listening to them as well.
By the time you read this there may be a more tragic end to this story, but as I write this Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy is hanging on by a thread after being mauled by a white tiger. This is first off very sad, but it's not a huge surprise. Talk about an accident waiting to happen.
And judging by the youthful photos of Horn at 59 years of age, he's had more face-lifts than the cast of Dynasty. I hope he survives this one; we don't need to lose another queen who looks fabulous in sequins.
My favorite three Schwarzenegger stories from www.anecdotage.com are:
'A certain woman was visiting a male friend on the set of Eraser one day when he was asked to retrieve Arnold Schwarzenegger from his trailer to shoot a scene ahead of schedule. 'He asked me if I wanted to meet Arnold,' she recalled, 'and I said sure. When we opened the door to his trailer, Arnold was giving oral sex to a woman. He looked up and, with that accent, said ... 'Eating is not cheating.''
And: 'Schwarzenegger once readily acknowledged the pleasure he took in flirtation and 'a little patting on the ass' with attractive women. 'It's like I always told you,' he explained. 'He who hesitates ... masturbates.'
And: 'During an appearance on Peter Gzowski's late-night talk show '90 Minutes Live' one evening Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked by his host, in a roundabout way, whether he had ever had had any 'first-hand' experiences with homosexuality.
'Was Schwarzenegger offended? Not at all. 'Come and give me a kiss,' he jokingly replied, 'and I'll tell you all about it!''