News of the Weird recently picked up on a story in the Austin American-Statesman about Allison Adams, 23, a veterinary technician for Wildlife Rescue in Austin, Texas. Apparently, Ms. Adams warms up traumatized baby animals by putting them in her bra. Yes, she's wearing the bra at the time. She claims that possums are the easiest, while squirrels are the hardest.
Now, in spite of rumors to the contrary, I do not wear a bra. And, if I did, I wouldn't be putting traumatized baby squirrels in there. I suppose the male equivalent would be putting a baby squirrel in your jockstrap. Think about it, those rodents have sharp teeth and they eat nuts. I don't want possums in there either …
Imagine standing in a dark corner in one of our less classier bars, some stud unzips your pants, puts his hand in your jockstrap, and suddenly there's mammals falling out all over the place. You would never, ever live that down. Twenty years later people would still be coming up to you and saying, 'Is that a spotted skunk in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?'
I'm sure that lesbians don't want wildlife in their panties either. There's nothing attractive about a lesbian with her underwear filled with kittens and beavers …
… anyway, moving on.
Well, I say we're moving on, but we're not moving on that far. I was recently glancing through a new book called Chicago's Street Guide to the Supernatural by Richard T. Crowe with Carol Mercado, and I was delighted to see that Chicago has a haunted Hooters at 660 N. Wells. Apparently, bartender, waitress, and Queen of the Fun Bags, Fawn Doucette, has been touched in the basement storeroom on several occasions. She blames it on spirits. Hooters manager, Kerri Rury, has also had a couple of creepy encounters in the downstairs department.
I was also intrigued to find that Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Studios, 1058 W. Washington, is also haunted. The building had once been a temporary morgue for over 800 victims of the Eastland steamship disaster of 1915.
The ghost at Oprah's studio didn't start appearing until the building was given a makeover in 1989. That's when the spirit was stirred into action. But is the ghost really a victim of the Eastland steamship disaster, or could it just be … The Phantom of the Oprah Sorry … I couldn't stop myself.
I don't have to tell you what trendsetters we gay folks are. Now our annual Gay Pride parade has inspired cat-lovers in Rome to have a Cat Pride march, to demand protection for the city's thousands of strays.
Wearing cat costumes with whiskers, the protestors marched through Rome carrying banners and signs.
It's great to see someone standing up for the Italian pussy. What? What did I say?
OK, changing to a less controversial subject (Ha!): Children and oral sex.
Reuters recently reported that, 'British school children are to be asked to consider oral sex instead of intercourse as part of a drive to cut the country's high teenage pregnancy rate. Sex education teachers are being trained to discuss with youngsters various 'stopping points' on the road to full sex in a bid to reduce the number of teen pregnancies, the government said on Friday. The idea is to encourage pupils to discover 'levels of intimacy,' including oral sex, which stop short of full sexual intercourse.'
This came from the British government!!! You mean those asswipes in the British Parliament have come up with something that makes sense!!! I'M IN SHOCK!!! I have to sit down and have a cocktail!!