Pictured Jonathan Schneider (center) with The 'Flab 4' (l-r) Billy Merritt, Curtis Gwinn, Kyle Grooms, Rob Riggle. Photo by Jesse Willmon
'You sound so fabulous, you've gotta come in,' gushed a casting agent for Comedy Central after reviewing Jonathan Schneider's application for the new make-over show Straight Plan for the Gay Man, a parody of Bravo's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, featuring four straight comedians, the 'Flab 4,' who work with gays to achieve their fantasy of passing as straight for an entire day.
'She seemed very excited about who I was,' admits Jonathan. 'All I did was use my real life. I talked about my day-to-day work as a fashion merchandiser in New York City, about going out for cocktails with my boyfriend, and how I get cut, plucked, colored and waxed every three weeks—and she was hooked!'
Jonathan had responded to an open casting call seeking gay men interested in seeing what it's like to be 'straight' for three consecutive days. The show's producer's were looking for three types of gay men: earthy, everyday joes, club kids/circuit boys and Prada fashion queens. Jonathan pauses dramatically before purring: 'Which category do you think I fell into?'
The Audition: Jonathan swans into the casting office in a carefully planned and story-boarded black-and-white ensemble, but his confidence is somewhat shaken and stirred as he sized up the competition.
'Everyone there was thinner and younger. All these guys kept waking in, they seemed to be filming someone every 15 minutes, and then I thought to myself 'I am just going to do this as a Lucy episode.''
Reenergized, with Lucille Ball as his inspiration, he began spreading a rumor that he heard part of the audition process included sleeping with the show's producers. And that they were really UGLY.
During his interview/taping Jonathan talked about the 50th Wedding anniversary that he was planning for his parents; his 11-year relationship with James; about how he is known to go behind the bar of a restaurant to shake his own martini, if the bartender's skills are sub par.
'I told them that everyday I put on a show. I put on a show for buyers, who I have to amuse and entertain and charm and they love me! You know, I'm known for leaving these long, dramatic voice mails that make my colleagues laugh. They are saved and passed all around the office.'
After several nerve-wrecking call backs, Jonathan finally received the phone calling informing him that he had made the show. But now that he got it, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted it: What had Lucy gotten herself into this time?
'I told the show's producers that I was worried that the show would depict the gay lifestyle in a negative way. They assured me that the Straight Plan is a parody of Queer Eye for the Straight guy, and that if anything it's making fun of straight guys. They kept reminding me that I absolutely HAD to be comfortable with the show's premise before we went any further.'
According to Comedy Central, Straight Plan for the Gay Man, premiering this week, 'shatters the straight male stereotypes while 'embracing' the phenomenon that has swelled over Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. In the three one-hour episodes, viewers will meet three gay men and learn about that one thing they've always wanted to check off their life's 'to do list.' Jonathan has always wanted to better understand the life of a blue-collar worker; Roger, a 'quirky' yoga instructor has always dreamed of competing in a pick-up basketball game; and Stephen, a hip singer/dancer with tons of female friends, has wondered if he'd be a smooth straight man when it comes to picking up the ladies.
The 'Flab 4' comics take their gay friend under their wing and give him a crash course on the secrets of straight male life—a life, according to Comedy Central, 'that inevitably requires uglier clothes, a bare kitchen and a healthy dose of false egotism to cover for all personal failings—of which there are many.' At the end of each episode, the straight comics go undercover alongside their gay subject to see if they too can 'pass' their tests: with Jonathan, they attempt to get hired at a meatpacking factory; with Roger, they square off in a competitive NYC street ball game; and with Stephen, the guys go for a night of speed dating.
'There was that element of exposing myself,' admits Jonathan. 'Today, I have control over my life and my career, but there was a period of my life when I spent so much time not fitting in, you know, being chosen last for softball, that kind of thing. Now, I'm living in place where I feel comfortable. My fear was that I would be made fun of and made fun of in front of the entire world. I don't want [the Flab 4] storming into my home, like they do on Queer Eye, and saying that I am a mess. That's MY job, to say that!'
Jonathan says he had drinks with 'everyone' while trying to decide if he would participate in the show or not, including a representative from GLAAD, but in the end the only person who told him not too do it (if he had lingering reservations) was him mom.
So, in true Lucille Ball fashion, he put his best face forward, took a deep breath and decided to take a chance.
In the end, Jonathan says the experience left him feeling less like Lucy and more like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, being led down the yellow brick road by a band of quirky but endearing strangers-turned-friends.
'On a really true level, I don't have any straight male friends. But I was with these guys during four days of shooting … and it was something about getting the job done, of having a shared goal that led to some genuine male bonding, and I've never really had that—not with straight men. They even came up with a nickname for me—'J-Dawg'—and I LOVED that!'
The night before the Flab 4 were scheduled to arrive, Jonathan read what he calls his favorite bedtime story 'the labels hanging in my closet' in an effort to calm his nerves. The next morning, he generously offered fresh donuts, in order to get in good with the crew (I read Joan Crawford and Bette Davis did that), but none of his preparations were enough to steady him for his first encounter with the straight guys.
'I don't want to give anything away, but I will say this: One of them walks in, and heads straight for the bathroom and says 'it looks like a hotel in here!' Then he sits right down on the toilet—with the door OPEN, while reading a newspaper! I hadn't smoked in YEARS, but I lit up right then and there at 8:30 in the morning!'
