About four years ago three of my friends moved from Chicago to Gulfport, Mississippi. I've written several columns based on my experiences visiting them in the land of Dixie, the most recent being the columns I wrote after my visit down south after one of them unexpectedly passed away. The other two friends decided to move back to Illinois, so I went down to help them move and to get in one last Gulf Coast visit. This is the first of a series of columns about that trip.
Wait… What The Heck Does This Have To Do With The Gulf Coast?
Nothing really, but you need to see MidTangent Productions' 'A Midsummer Night's Dream: A Queer Tale' playing at the National Pastime Theater. Aaron Michael Adamkiewicz steals the show as Helena. If anyone anywhere ever needs a man to play the part of Lucille Ball, this guy, and his exceptional flair for physical comedy, is the one for the job! Check them out at www.myspace.com/midtangent and be sure to watch for their next production!
Just Because I Recently Wrote Some Columns About The Wizard Of Oz, That Doesn't Mean I Want To Look Like A Munchkin
The evening before leaving for Gulfport, I went to a store to buy some shirts and shorts for the trip. However, when I got home and tried on the shorts, one pair of cargo shorts was cut so long that they came down mid-calf, essentially making them 'cargo Capri pants' and also making my legs look as if they were all of about eighteen inches long.
But He Was Such A Cute Psychopathic Mass-Murderer
Riding the Blue Line to O'Hare on the morning of my flight, there was this really cute red-headed guy in the same L car. OK, maybe he did have this really nervous, psychopathic mass-murderer look about him, but like I said, he was really cute, and nobody's perfect.
Pennies From Hell
Shortly before the flight was to take off I realized I had forgotten to buy some gum for the flight ( ear popping ) and M&Ms ( lip smacking ) . I went to a newsstand right next to the gate where I quickly found gum, got in line, and then waited for what seemed like hours while this clown paid for his stuff by counting out pennies one by one, by one, by one, by one…
Pennies From Deeper In Hell
Words cannot express the thrill I felt when the woman who followed him, and whom I was immediately behind, just HAD to ferret through her purse for freakin' eons to find that one penny she needed to make exact change.
All The Plane Needed Was A Disco Ball And Some Music
The flight from Chicago to Atlanta was filled with a lot of very good-looking men. Also, at the start of the flight the flight attendant read off this looooooooong list of alcoholic drink specials they were offering, with various forms of apple martinis being very prominent on the list.
Maybe They Had A Few Of Those Apple Martinis Before The Flight
While making their rounds offering people drinks and snacks, the two female flight attendants noticed I had opened a bag of M&Ms, and they joked that it was rude to eat M&Ms in front of others without offering to share, and that they really hoped that the plane did not encounter any turbulence that would cause them to spill a drink on me.
Sugar Baby
When I jokingly responded that I had a second bag of M&Ms, one of the flight attendants said 'Oh no, that's OK' to which the other responded 'Maybe for you, but I need a sugar buzz.'
Dave Magdziarz: Ice Cube Terrorist
Even though I did not have any alcohol on the flight, apple martini or otherwise, I did accidentally knock over the cup I used for my Coca-Cola, ice cubes sliding everywhere, and I'm shocked Homeland Security hasn't banned ice cubes on flights by now.
...But Not Bodily Fluids, Damnit
The guys in the Atlanta airport were just as hot as the guys on the plane, especially this one with salt-and-pepper hair with whom I traded a few glances...
If you have S&P hair and were recently in the Atlanta airport ( or if you just happen to be a reader of this column ) , you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com . And, if you happen to be someone who pays for stuff at airport newsstands by counting out pennies one-by-one, please be sure to leave me your address, burglar alarm code and a list of days and times when you will be home alone and likely sound asleep, so you won't hear me approaching with a baseball bat…
