Between January of 2004 and February of this year I made three trips to New Orleans and Gulfport, and I wrote four full columns as a result. So, just as I wrote a ( never published ) column blasting John Paul II right after he croaked, here's a Pretzel Logic look at Hurricane Katrina.
Times Really Are 'Hard' Down In Gulfport
I called my friends in Gulfport for days before I finally got through to them after the hurricane hit. During that time, in addition to automated messages such as 'We're sorry, your call did not go through' 'All circuits are busy now, please try again later,' and the more ominous 'Due to the hurricane in the area you are calling, your call could not be completed at this time,' I also occasionally got the message 'The 900 number you are calling is not in service at this time. You will not be charged for this call.'
Watch Out When She Hits Her Terrible Twos
Anyone who gave birth to a baby daughter Katrina earlier this year is probably regretting that name right now.
Ve Haf Vays Uv Destroyink Your Infrastructyoor
According to one Web site, 'Katrina' is a variant of Catherine, and is a German name.
Must Have Been A German Web Site
However, another Web site said 'Katrina' was a variant of Catriona, and is of English origin.
Dammit Madge, You're The One Who Wouldn't Agree To Using 'Kayleigh!'
The name Katrina was ranked number 281 for female newborns in 2004, just behind Sandra and just before Kayleigh.
In This Case Katrina Mounted The Gulf Coast
There is a Mount Katrina in Egypt.
Let Their Music Blow Over You And Wash You Away
When was the last time you sat down to listen to music by the '80s pop group Katrina & the Waves?
Hurricanes Gone Wild
The producers of the soft-core porn series 'Girls Gone Wild,' which includes ( or so I am told ) several videos of young women flashing their naked breasts ( ewwwww ) at Mardi Gras, are donating some of their proceeds to the Red Cross' Hurricane Katrina relief efforts. Finally, a good use for heterosexual culture!
Brad Gone Bad?
Earlier this summer country music cutie Brad Paisley released his first-ever live DVD, a film of his 'Muddi Gras' ( after his CD, 'Mud On the Tires' ) concert he gave earlier this year in New Orleans,' but his web site showed no sign that Brad had donated anything to hurricane relief, contrary to what you might expect of a celebrity who so recently benefited from a New Orleans-themed release.
Private Parts Reporting For Duty, Sir!
A Google search showed that there is a Web site sponsoring a drawing for some members of the military active in the war in Iraq and in hurricane relief to see Brad perform live in Los Angeles, and that Brad will meet with the winners after the show, and the question now is whether I can convince Brad that I am his army of one.
Kompassionate Katrina Konservativism - Part One
Barbara Bush, the president's mother who looks like she could be her husband's mother, said of the Hurricane Katrina evacuees at the Houston Astrodome 'And so many of the people in the arena were underprivileged anyway, so this is working out well for them.'
Kompassionate Katrina Konservativism - Part Two
A Baptist preacher in Tyler, TX, posted a message on the sign in front of his church calling New Orleans a 'modern day Sodom and Gomorrah,' and he claims the damage to the French Quarter was God's retribution. When he was asked why the French Quarter ( the 'seat of debauchery and the devil's playground' ) was spared major damage while the houses of so many poor people were flooded, the bastard Baptist responded 'Regardless of what you believe, poor people are wicked, also.'
If you have suggestions that would be anatomically impossible for Barbara Bush to do, but which would nevertheless 'work out well' for her to do, please feel free to e-mail them to me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com