This week's Pretzel Logic column is merely a collection of mostly unrelated items based on recent news stories, which I did solely to clear out some of the newspaper clippings I had around the house, and not merely to give me an excuse to level some cheap shots at George W. Bush, PETA and others.
People For The Egregious Treatment Of Animals - Part One
First paragraph of a recent news story: 'Two employees of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals were charged with animal cruelty for allegedly picking up [ living ] dogs and cats from shelters and dumping their dead bodies in the garbage.'
Do As I say, Not As I Do
More from the same news story: 'PETA spokeswoman Colleen O'Brien said the group euthanizes animals by lethal injection...'
Instead Of A 'Blue Plate Special,' Call It A 'Blue PETA Special'
You can buy a deep fried whale burger with lettuce and mayo for the equivalent of $3.50 at restaurants in Japan.
Is That A Sausage In Your Pouch Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
Russians are one of the biggest importers of kangaroo meat and offal, which they use for sausage.
Offal Goodness Sakes
Offal: ( n. ) 1 ) Waste parts, especially of a butchered animal. 2 ) Environmental policy, specifically under George W. Bush.
Embarrassed Doctors Later Admitted They Had Accidentally Removed His Brain
At President Bush's recent annual physical checkup, doctors 'used liquid nitrogen to freeze a noncancerous skin growth on his neck.'
No News Is No News
Recent news story headline that had nothing at all to do with George W. Bush: 'Massive brain.'
And It's A Great Place To Go For A Hand Job, Too
A South Korean scientist who works in cloning says one reason for his country's advancements in the field of cloning is the manual dexterity Koreans build up from using chopsticks.
Dr. Feelgood
A $2.3 million medical malpractice verdict was recently entered against Joliet neurosurgeon and president-elect of the Illinois State Neurological Society, Thomas R. Hurley after a man he operated on for two herniated discs in his neck was left paralyzed. According to the news story Hurley stated that the verdict could cause his medical malpractice insurance premiums to increase from $245,000 to $300,000 or more per year. He also stated 'I am currently trying to find insurance, and there's a good chance I will be uninsurable in Illinois... Maybe I'll say 'Screw Illinois.''
Until He Paralyzes Another Patient
The loveable, and not at all arrogant and self-centered Dr. Hurley, who has not a single shred of a god complex, also stated 'Maybe I'll go to another state where insurance will be... $75,000.'
I Always Suspected As Much
Recent news story headline: 'Hoosiers can't tell what time it is.'
'Chuck?'
R&B singer and alleged pedophile R. Kelly ( and you thought I was going to say Michael Jackson, didn't you ) has a new song, 'Trapped In The Closet,' that involves a straight guy cheating on his wife with the wife of a minister, but it is then revealed that the minister himself has a male lover named Chuck. Is there a gay guy in the history of the universe who has ever called himself 'Chuck' even at his most closeted stage in his life?
If you are a gay guy who actually calls himself Chuck, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and I still won't believe you.
If you are Dr. Hurley's attorneys, please realize that I was just innocently exercising constitutionally-protected rights when I wrote my little parody of the doc's situation, and I never, ever intended to imply he would actually paralyze another patient. But at the same time, if your client should move out of Illinois would you also e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com so I can avoid that state like the plague?
