Ho-Ho-Mo, it's time for a very Mary Pretzel Logic holiday column.Sappho Claus?
According to some folklorists and neo-pagans, Santa Claus is derived from Frau Holda, a pre-Christian, pagan Teutonic goddess who slides down chimneys, delivers gifts to children, and rides around in a sleigh pulled by an eight-legged horse for which people would put out stockings filled with carrots or straw by the hearth. Would this make Mrs. Claus a lesbian?
Sinner Claus?
According to one pre-employment screening company, seven percent of all Santa Claus applicants have a criminal record.
The Gift That Keeps On Cumming
Researchers studying data from a federal health survey discovered that teens who are dating seriously are three times more likely to have sex for the first time in December than those who are dating casually.
Excuse Me Santa, Is That A Candy Cane In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
The above-mentioned predisposition for seriously dating teens to have sex for the first time in December is called the 'Santa Claus Effect.'
Move Over 'It's A Wonderful Life'
A new movie, 'The Hebrew Hammer,' opened on Friday, Dec. 19 (the first day of Hanukah), and it features a Jewish action hero, Mordechai Jefferson Carver, who wears black leather, has a baby blue Cadillac with a white fur interior, 'LCHAIM' license plates, a Star of David hood ornament and fuzzy blue dreidels hanging from the rear-view mirror, and who is described as being 'the baddest Heeb this side of Tel Aviv.' The plot involves Hammer having to save Hanukah from an evil descendent of Santa Claus, named Damian.
Oy Fucking Vey!
Adam Goldberg, who stars as Hammer, said he wanted the starring role because 'In large part I think it's when I got to the line 'Shabbat Shalom, motherfuckers!' When I read that I was like, yeah, I don't really care if it's a piece of dog shit, I just want to say that on screen.'
Habari Gani, Motherfuckers!
'The Hebrew Hammer' also features one of Hammer's 'oldest and closest friends,' Mohammed, a 'Panther-like' activist who is the head of the 'KLF' (Kwanzaa Liberation Front).
Merry Kitschmas!
Ship of Fools, which describes itself as 'the magazine of Christian unrest,' has found the 12 tackiest religious-themed gifts for sale this year, and has listed them at ship-of-fools.com . The items include such things as a bobble head Virgin Mary doll, a Lord of the Kings jigsaw puzzle, a 'Jesus hates it when you smoke' ashtray, a 'Jesus Tree Topper' to replace that angel on the top of your Christmas tree (it lights up when plugged in and has nail wounds on both hands), and a statuette of Jesus giving a young, blue jeans-wearing, JFK-look-alike minister a hug.
Santa Daddy
There is a Web page entitled 'Sucking Santa,' which features a sex fantasy where a guy gives St. Nick a blow job, and then Santa shows the guy 'what the North Pole is really all about.' You can read it yourself at: http://www.santa-sex-stories.com/gay-sex.shtml
I Always Knew That Dentist/Elf From That 'Frosty The Snowman' Cartoon Was A Bottom
As Santa gives the guy his 10' uncut candy cane, he growls into his ear 'You're a lot sturdier than those elves.'
If you have ever had sex with an elf, e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com and tell me all about it.
