None of the news reports about the death of John Paul II that I read or heard said one word about the incredibly homophobic pronouncements in the last years of his papacy. As a reaction to that, I wrote a JP2 column, but the editor of Nightspots decided it was too sensitive subject to publish. In its place I offer this Pretzel Logic look at papal trivia.
But There's No Pope Buford
Cletus was pope from 76 - 88.
Son Of A…
St. Sixtus I ( 115 - 125 ) was the first known pope to have also been the son of a priest.
St. Hilarius was pope from 461 to 468.
I Didn't Know There Was A First
St. Gelasius I ( 492 - 496 ) was the last pope of African descent.
A Pope By Any Other Name…
John II ( 533 - 535 ) was the first pope to adopt a new name when elected. However, the only reason he did so was because he was named Mercurius, after the Pagan god.
You'd Think There Would've Been 101 Of Them
John IV ( 640 - 642 ) was the first, and so far the only, pope from Dalmatia.
Papal Marriage Is Destroying The Fabric Of Society
Adrian II ( 867 - 872 ) was the last married pope.
At Least They Were Thorough
John VIII ( 872 - 882 ) was the first pope to be assassinated. First he was poisoned, and then beaten to death.
Pope Boner Face?
When Pope Boniface VI ( 896 ) was elected pope, he had previously been defrocked twice because of immoral conduct.
He Needed A Sergius Protector
Pope Leo V ( 903 ) was murdered on the orders of his successor, Sergius III ( 904 - 911 ) .
A Chip Off The Old Pope
John XI ( 931 - 935 ) was the first and presumably the only pope who was the illegitimate son of a previous pope ( Sergius III ) .
Those Crazy Kids
John XII ( 955 - 963 ) was the first and only teenager elected pope.
How Many Men Did He Lay?
Leo VIII ( 963 - 964 ) was the first pope who was a layman at the time of his election.
French Kiss Him
Sylvester II ( 999 - 1003 ) was the first French pope.
Once, Twice, Three Times A Pope
Pope Benedict IX ( 1032 - 1045 ) was first and only person to be pope more than once ( three times, to be specific ) .
Here a Pope, There A Pope, Everywhere A Pope-Pope
St. Gregory VII ( 1073 - 1085 ) issued a decree that the title 'pope' should only be used for the bishop of Rome. Before that every bishop in the West had the title 'pope' and in the East it was applied to many priests as well.
There Was Even One?!
Alexander III ( 1159 - 1181 ) was the first lawyer to be elected pope.
Make No Small Plans
Innocent III ( 1198 - 1216 ) claimed authority over the entire world as well as the universal Christian Church.
Pope Paul IV ( 1555 - 1559 ) established the Index of Forbidden Books, and segregated Jews to a special quarter of Rome, forcing them to wear special headgear.
Don't Worry, Size Isn't Everything
Pope Urban VII ( 1590 ) had the shortest pontificate in history.
Paul V ( 1605 - 1621 ) was the pope who censured Galileo.
Like I said, Size Isn't Everything
JP2's ( 1978 - 2005 ) papacy was the third longest in history.
If you would like to read the JP2 column that was too offensive for Nightspots, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com .
If you are the editor of Nightspots who would like to have a word with a certain bitch of a columnist, sorry my e-mail is not working right now.