Here at Pretzel Logic I always do my best to bring 'cutting edge' humor, and this week's column takes that concept to the limit with a look at my recent trip to the ER after doing an accidental slice-and-dice on my left thumb while cooking dinner.
That Kung Pao Had More 'Pow' Than I Expected
It was a Sunday evening and I was just starting to cut up some breast of chicken to make kung pao chicken, and as I was doing so the cleaver slipped, and all of a sudden it looked like I was making chicken in a red sauce.
Looking On The Bright Side Of 'Thumb Pao' Chicken
I am just glad I wasn't making coq au vin, because who knows what sort of damage I might have inflicted on myself then?
Some Thing's Should Be Left To The Lesbians
I guess that's what I get for being a gay guy who was handling some chick's breast.
Leave It To Cleaver
I had just sharpened my cleaver, and apparently very well too, I might add.
I Need To Hire Col. Sanders As My Bodyguard
It's a sad thing when you get into a knife fight with a dead chicken… and lose!
Names Have Been Withheld To Protect Me From Potentially Pissed-Off Doctors Who, After All, Do Have The Right To Use Scalpels, Hypodermic Needles, And Loads Of Other Painful Medical Tools And/Or Treatments
I ended up driving to the ER of a hospital very close to the Boystown area ( and there's at least two that I can think of, so I should be safe from any lawsuits ) , and I had the joy of sitting in the waiting room next to some delusional and very vocal street person in a wheel chair who was on a first-name basis with all the hospital workers, and when they asked if he had any alcohol on him he responded 'No, none that I can think of at the moment' so they ended up taking away his bottle of Tarn-X, and I was wondering whether I had made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at Cook County Hospital.
I've Got Something Right Here That You Can 'Pull Off' If You Want To, Doc
The tall, slender, young male doctor who stitched up my thumb noticed the black lizard-skin boots I was wearing and he commented that they were very cool, and added 'I'm not from Texas, but I always wanted to wear a pair of cowboy boots, but I never thought I could pull it off.'
Maybe He Gave Me The Stitches Just So He'd Have An Excuse To Hold My Hand
I did not get a very strong 'gaydar' reading from the boot-friendly physician.
Life Imitating Country Songs
Country singer Blake Shelton has a song, Some Beach, which deals, in part, with being at the dentist's office to get a cavity filled, and he sings 'But he stuck that needle down deep in my gum, and he started drilling before I was numb,' whereas in my case I could have sung 'But he stuck that needle down deep in my thumb, but while he was sewing, it stopped being numb.' Sombitch.
I'm A 'Hands-On' Kind Of Guy
One of my friends whom I e-mailed about my injury e-mailed back, 'Is that the hand you... ( you know ) ? Or is that too personal of a question? ( I,m not offering to lend a hand, mind you, just sympathy. ) '
I know you,re all expecting me to make a joke about 'if you'd like to offer me more than just sympathy you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com, but be sure to include a face pic,' but gosh, that just doesn't seem proper.