Since it's about time to roast a turkey and all the family members who don't show up for Thanksgiving dinner, here's a Pretzel Logic look at Plymouth Rock.
I'll Drink To That
After a 63-day voyage, the Mayflower landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts because "the crew of the ship did not have enough beer to get to Virginia and back to England so they dropped the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock to preserve their beer stock."
Plymouth What?
The earliest contemporary accounts of the landing of the Mayflower make no mention at all of Plymouth Rock.
Happy Thanksgiving Wishes To All
A few of years ago, the city's Board of Selectmen erected plaques at Plymouth Rock declaring: "Native Americans do not celebrate the arrival of the Pilgrims and other European settlers. To them, Thanksgiving Day is a reminder of the genocide of millions of their people, the theft of their lands, and the relentless assault on their culture."
Does That Make Me Self-Hating?
Given the above plaque flack, what does someone like me do, when your maternal grandmother's family was 100% Indian, while my maternal grandfather's family came over to the New World in 1618, and may also have connections to some of the people who arrived on the Mayflower?
Pilgrim Political Correctness
Slogan I saw on a T-shirt for sale by a vendor at the 51st Annual Powwow held at the UIC Pavilion by the American Indian Center: "Don't call them homeless, unemployed, undocumented, illegal aliens. They prefer to call themselves Pilgrims."
Sorry To Disappoint The Drag Queens
The Mayflower Compact had noting to do with makeup.
Plus The Lesser-Known Fifth Child Named Tawonda
The four children of a Pilgrim named William Brewster, who arrived on the Mayflower, were: Love, Wrestling, Patience, and Fear.
Cornholing Cornish
Richard Cornish, of the Virginia Colony, was tried and hanged for sodomy in 1624.
But They Could Still Volunteer Just For The Fun Of It
On March 5, 1624, the colony of Virginia passed a law exempting the upper class from punishment by whipping.
Mayflower Cum-pact?
In 1637, John Alexander and Thomas Roberts were convicted of "often spendinge their seede one vpon another."
He Came Over On The Bi-flower
In 1641/42 Edward Michell, was convicted of "sodomye with Edward Preston, and other lude carryages with Lydia Hatch."
A Different Way Of Eating Turkey
In Plymouth, in 1642, "Thomas Graunger, late servant to Loue Brewster, of Duxborrow, was this Court indicted for buggery with a mare, a cowe, two goats, diuers sheepe, two calues, and a turkey, and was found guilty, and receiued sentence of death by hanging vntill he was dead."
And They Didn't Mean The Two-Legged Variety
In 1643, in Plymouth, John Walker was investigated for matters "concerning lying with a bitch."
That's Why You Never See Pictures Of Pilgrims In Short-Shorts
In 1645 a law was passed in Plymouth making it illegal to wear "visors and strang apparell to laciuious ends and purposes."
Putting The "Mouth" Into Plymouth
In 1650 Sarah White Norman, of Plymouth, was charged with "lude behauior with Mary Hammon vppon a bed," resulting in the first known conviction for lesbian activity in North America.
He Escaped A Stif Penalty
William Honywell was acquitted in 1666 of "buggery with a beast" after he "stifly deneyed it" and there wasn't enough other evidence against him.
If you have any misgivings over Thanksgiving, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and tell me all about it.
