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Pretzel Logic
by David J. Magdziarz

This article shared 1578 times since Wed Sep 22, 2004
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This week's column is all about observations of gay life in the bars, close-up disappointments, and (especially) Alan Keyes. OK, there's not that much distance between those last two, I know.

Let There Be Light

A friend of mine recently observed that there are plenty of people whom he has known for years but whom he has never seen in daylight because he only sees them at the bars.

Let There Be Darkness

But then again, there are also those for whom it is probably a good thing that you never see them in full daylight.

The Cud You Don't Want To Chew

A 'CUD' (close-up disappointment) is a guy who looks good from a distance in the dim light of a bar, only to be less than what you expected once you get up close.

Said The Self-Righteous, Ignorant, Homophobic Asshole

Republican Senatorial candidate Alicia Keyes (that's my drag name for Alan Keyes because I think (s)he has the features that would make a good drag queen – and my apologies to the real Ms. Keys) recently said 'In a homosexual relationship, there is nothing implied except the self-fulfillment, contentment and satisfaction of the parties involved in the relationship. That means it is a self-centered, self-fulfilling, selfish relationship that seeks to use the organs intended for procreation for the purpose of pleasure.'

It'd Be My Pleasure (Not)

I'm sure Ms. Keyes' wife would be the first to confirm that experiencing Alicia's organ is anything but a pleasure.

Talk About Being Self-Centered, Selfish and Pleasing Only Yourself

Ms. Keyes moved to Illinois to run for the Senate only after (s)he was asked to do so by reactionary forces within the Illinois Republican Party, (s)he has no chance of winning, and her presence here is solely to promote herself and her absurd ideas at the expense of the Republican Party in general and in place of a candidate who at least in theory had a chance to win.

He Done Gone And Said More Stupid Shit

As part of the homophobic tirade I was quoting earlier, Alicia continued by saying 'The word for pleasure in Greek is hedone, as we get the word hedonism from that word.' When asked if this applied to Vice-President Dick Cheney's openly(?) lesbian daughter Mary, Alicia said 'Of course she is.'

One Of The Better Illinois Republicans, Baar None

Illinois Republican Chairman Judy Baar Topinka called Alicia's comments 'idiotic.'

And He's Still A Better Candidate Than Keyes

A last-minute Republican candidate in the state of Washington for the post of state auditor, Will Baker, has been arrested at least 19 times since 1992.

Great, Even Commie Cuban Castros Are More Gay-Friendly Than Keyes

Mariella Castro Espin, an 'internationally renowned sexologist' and niece of Cuban President Fidel Castro, is the director of the Cuban Health Ministry's National Center for Sex Education, which is giving Cuban police gender sensitivity training.

Listen Up Alicia, You Might Need This One Day

According to news reports, 'Castro's center has been busy for years organizing support groups and safe sex seminars for transvestites and transsexuals, people who take hormones to enhance their femininity.'

She Should Be Glad Mary Cheney Doesn't Have One

Alicia Keyes (the Republican goofball who would make a great drag queen, and not the semi-talented pianist/singer Alicia Keys) thinks private citizens should have the right to own and carry machine guns.

Sing A Song

Alicia Keys (the real one) released a CD entitled 'Songs In A Minor.' Alicia Keyes (the goofball) should release a CD entitled 'Thoughts In F Minus.'

If you are anybody in the universe other than Alan Keyes, my NEW e-mail address is

This article shared 1578 times since Wed Sep 22, 2004
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