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Windy City Times 2023-12-13



Pretzel Logic
by David J. Magdziarz

This article shared 1688 times since Wed Jul 7, 2004
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The weather was perfect, the politicians were out in force because of the election year, so here's a Pretzel Logic look at this year's Gay Pride Parade.

Maybe It Was Jack Ryan In Drag Trying To Save His Candidacy For The U.S. Senate

Around 11:30 a.m., I was walking south on Broadway, to watch the parade near Charlie's. Going down the street was a van filled with several women, one of whom was leaning far out the front, passenger-side window waving a rainbow flag, and screaming in a very hoarse voice 'Happy gay pride! We need your vote to get married! C'mon, we want to get married, so we need your vote.'

Copping An Attitude

Two female police officers were directing traffic at Broadway and Sheridan because Broadway was closed at that point for the parade. When the van made a left turn, the hoarse-voiced lesbian was yelling 'Happy gay pride! We need your vote to get married...' but when she saw the butch-looking blond cop who was closest to her side of the van she yelled 'I know we got her vote.' The two cops looked at each other, smiled and laughed.

Fashion Statement – Part One

I wore a T-shirt to the parade from Hoe Downs, a gay country bar in Atlanta, which read: 'You can't keep a good hoe down.' In addition to a guy who wanted to buy the shirt from me, others explained to me the various ways in which you can, in fact, keep a good hoe down.

Fashion Statement – Part Two

The best T-shirts were on three Latino men, whose shirts said 'GOT LATIN?' on the front, and 'WANT SOME?' on the back.

He (Allegedly) Wanted Them Seen In Action By The Public

Instead of having Maria Pappas twirl her baton, this year we had Illinois State Treasurer and GOP chair Judy Baar Topinka juggling Jack Ryan's testicles.

Was He At A Sex Club In New Orleans?

Barak Obama had an entry in the parade, but he wasn't there in person.

The Best Reason Yet To Vote For Kerry

John Kerry's entry included a cute young guy dressed in a denim shirt, jeans, cowboy hat and pointy black boots with the jeans tucked into the shafts of his boots.

Fashion Statement – Part Three

A bear marching with Nutbush had the message 'No Bush' shaved into his back hair.

It Was The Only Way They Could Keep Me Away From Him

Country music cutie Brad Paisley was performing at the Chicago Country Music Festival on the same day as the Gay Pride Parade.

What A Gas

I thought it was odd that one parade entry had green and yellow 'BP' signs, but no photos of Brad, and nobody wearing cowboy hats or boots.

Charlie's Chatter – Part One

After the parade, I was at Charlie's waiting in line to pee. Some guy asked his friend, who was in line in front of me, if he was going to another friend's place afterwards. The guy in front of me responded 'No, I'm going home.' Not being in a serious mood, I interrupted and said: 'You shouldn't go home. You should go to MY home.' He laughed and said 'You should know I have a two dogs and a boyfriend at home. But maybe I shouldn't.'

Charlie's Chatter – Part Two

I responded by saying he had a lucky boyfriend. Also, I ended up at the urinal next to the guy. At the sink I said to him 'To be honest, I peeked. And you have a VERY lucky boyfriend.'


Say hello to people on Pride Day. It might be the best thing you've done in a long time.

If you have Jack Ryan's testicles, e-mail me at . Judy dropped them.

This article shared 1688 times since Wed Jul 7, 2004
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