Everyone has one. Everyone has dated one. And it's time for me to make one out of myself by shining a light on part of an area that the sun normally never sees.
Where There's A Will,
There's A Gay
From finicky Fijians to cardboard cuties, and pooped-out prayer to cantankerous Kentuckians, it's time for this week's Pretzel Logic potluck.
The Fools Left The Best Part!
The descendants of some villagers in Fiji recently apologized for killing, cooking and eating a Methodist missionary 136 years ago. A contemporaneous account of the incident quoted the villagers as saying "We ate everything but his boots."
So Much For Our Paper Anniversary
I recently bid on a life-size cardboard Brad Paisley standup display that featured all 5'8" of the country cutie, from the top of his white cowboy hat down to his muddy cowboy boots. Unfortunately, I did not win the auction, even though I had that license application for that new Cook County Domestic Partner Registry all filled out!
A 41-year-old Joliet man was sentenced to 20 years in prison on charges of burglary and arson arising out of a series of break-ins at area churches. In one case he knocked over a statue of Jesus, broke the head off it, and defecated on it. Talk about giving shitty head!
Bright Lights, Big City
A federal prosecutor in London, Kentucky, opposing a motion to move an election fraud case back to Pikeville, Kentucky, said that heavy pretrial publicity in Pikeville would make it impossible to find unbiased jurors. He wrote in one court document that "All that would remain to try the case would be illiterate cave dwellers." As opposed to what one might find in the teeming metropolis of London, Kentucky. Y'all.
Maybe He Was Misunderstood Because He Had His Sister's Breasts In His Mouth
That federal prosecutor said his comment was "misinterpreted," and was not meant as a regional slur. Well sure, take "illiterate cave dwellers" out of context and it might be mistaken for something derogatory.
Maybe God Needs To Be In A Special Ed Class
One English bishop said "This is like setting an exam for God to see if God will pass it or not." The bishop stated that the Bible says "very clearly" that you must not put God to the test. I wonder if the bishop would have been so touchy if God would have passed?
Religious Size Queen
A new deputy undersecretary of defense of intelligence, Lt. Gen. William G. Boykin, has made numerous comments about how the war on terrorism is a religious battle. In addition to saying that Islamic extremists hate the USA because we are a "Christian nation," he also said, when discussing a 1993 battle against a Somalian Muslim warlord, that "I knew my god was bigger than his. I knew that my god was a real god and his was an idol." Don't you just love faith-based initiatives in government?
Doesn't Have A Prayer
A three-year study of 750 heart patients who were prayed for by 12 prayer groups, ranging from British Christians to Nepalese Buddhists, showed that the heart patients who received the prayers recovered at the same rate as those who did not get any prayers. Would this be an example of a faith-based lack of initiative?
If you cannot send e-mails through the power of prayer, try e-mailing me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com instead.