This week Pretzel Logic goes on the road to take a twisted take on the city of St. Louis, MO.
Illinois Geography Lesson – Part One
One of the things I learned recently while driving from Chicago to St. Louis is that there are two small towns in the center of the state known, respectively, as Funk's Grove and Towanda. Somehow I suspect those towns have names that sound a lot more African-American than they really are.
Illinois Geography Lesson – Part Two
However, I suspect that the town of White City is very accurately named.
Illinois Geography Lesson – Part Three
On the other hand, I'm guessing that the Village of Maryville is nothing like Boystown.
Same Letters, Different Abbreviation
Although the words "saint" and "street" are abbreviated the same way, they just can't be used interchangeably. After all, "Street Louis" is just nonsensical, while "Halsted Saint" is a flat-out contradiction of terms.
McDonald's Can Keep Their Golden Arches, This One Is Rated Platinum
When visiting the Arch in downtown St. Louis, you have to remove your belt, wallet and watch (but not rings), and walk through a metal detector. For some reason the detector went off when I went through it, and the
uniformed guard had me stand with my feet apart as he very, very, very thoroughly patted down the shafts of my cowboy boots several times before letting me continue with my visit. That might explain why I visited the arch 50 times a day every day I was in St. Louis.
If This Tram's A Rockin' Don't Come Knockin'
In order to ride to the top of the arch you have to ride in a small, globe-like tram car that would make a good place for a real quickie if you were riding with the right (or wrong, depending on the circumstances)
person.
St. Louis Marketing 101
You'd think some enterprising owner of a St. Louis adult bookstore would have "video booths" in the shape of those tram cars. And they would not even have to invest in hydraulic equipment to simulate that rocking motion of the original.
View From The Top
The Arch must have been designed by a gay guy, because in order to look out the little windows at the top you have to bend way over, resting your abdomen on this slanted ledge, with your ass sticking out towards the
center of the aisle. Sometimes the best view was inside the arch and not outside.
St. Louis Marketing 102
The same adult bookstore could have other video booths constructed with the same little windows and sloping ledge as the arch—I mean, it's just a natural fit. And I do expect royalties if anyone ever does end up using any of these suggestions.
St. Louis Marketing 103
The Missouri Botanical Gardens have a maze made out of carefully planted and trimmed hedges that, if
replicated by some enterprising St. Louis leather bar owner, could make an interesting "back-room" concept. Talk about giving a whole new
meaning to the phrase "beating around the bush."
Show And Tell
There is an organization in St. Louis called the "Show Me Bears."
Taxing Question
OK, now that I've devoted an entire column to my trip to St. Louis, can I claim it as a business expense on my income taxes next April?
[Editors note: Good luck!]
If you ever worked as a uniformed guard at the Arch, you can e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com
