A Pretzel Logic column full of Shania Twain's hunky backup musicians, Liza Minnelli, and David Gest? You can't get much gayer than that.
He's Too Butch To Be Keith Urban
At Shania Twain's recent concert at the United Center, her musicians included an Asian fiddler/percussionist with buff arms, who was wearing a tight, sleeveless blue shirt, green army pants with long straps hanging from them, red tennis shoes, and a gelled up mohawk. Now that's country music.
Uncle Dave Wants You
Shania also had a young, buff, cute, big-armed guitar player in a black sleeveless shirt, camouflage pants, and army boots. It was better than uniform fetish night at the Eagle.
Of the nine or so musicians on stage with the country-pop superstar, only two of them were wearing cowboy boots. What the hell were they thinking, that they were going to an actual country music concert?
Passing The Torch To The Younger Generation
Instead of holding up cigarette lighters at the concert, a couple of young, female Shania fans held up their cell phones, screens all lit up, and they waved those around instead.
Liza Minnelli has been accused by her wife ... I mean husband, David Gest, of repeatedly hitting him and throwing things at him, often when she was allegedly in a drunken rage. And he was surprised by this because ... ?
Liza's Greatest Hits
In his $10 million lawsuit against Liza, Ms. Gest alleges that Liza beat him about the head and face with her fists without relenting, threw a lamp at him, and that she punched him in the stomach.
And They Said It Would Never Last—Part One
Liza allegedly started beating Gest before the wedding.
And They Said It Would Never Last—Part Two
Which was just about 16 months ago.
One news report noted that at the time of their wedding, Liza had three ex-husbands, while David had zero ex-wives. The article did not mention how many ex-husbands David had, if any.
It Would Be A Nice
Change Of Pace
Liza, in filing for a divorce from Gest, said that she " ... hoped very much that the end of (her) marriage would be handled with mutual respect and dignity.'' Considering that she started her marriage with Michael Jackson as best man, things are probably going as about as dignified as they are likely to get.
And An Alleged Child Molester Will Lead Them
At their marriage, Michael Jackson toasted the loathing couple ... I mean "loving couple" by saying: "These two deserve each other."
She'd Probably Beat Him Up Too
Because of the "virtually constant, unrelenting pain" that Gest alleges he is suffering from his Minnelli maulings, he claims he requires "11 prescription medications per day, some more than once, to treat the pain and injury." Maybe we should introduce him to Rush Limbaugh's ex-housekeeper.
About a year ago MTV stopped production of a Liza and David reality show. Due to the lack thereof?
It Would Not Have
Been That High Class
Speaking of the show back then, Gest said that while they "love the Osbournes … it's not 'The Osbournes.'"
If you ever seen David and Liza "gest" starring on an episode of "Cops," e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com .