I'm back -- complete with the testicular virility to attack everything from pop-culture icons to ultraconservative legislators.
1 ) The high life: A $10,000 first-class seat on Emirates Airline gets you a suite with a mini-bar, 500 TV channels, and a massage chair. For that price, shouldn't you also get a guaranteed 'happy ending,' if you know what I mean?
2 ) Intellifit: This scanner recommends jeans based on body measurements. Just don't get upset if the system recommends an elastic waistband.
3 ) Back to reality ( TV ) : America's Next Top Model judge Janice Dickinson and former Apprentice contestant Omarosa will be on The Surreal Life 5. Talk about your high-bitch frequencies.
4 ) Ryan Seacrest: He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. If William Hung gets one, I'm outta here.
5 ) A is for addiction: Tiny Steps is a rehab center for the five-to-nine-year-old set. Rehab? When I was that age, my worst addiction was to Kool-Aid.
6 ) Horsin' around: Horses are now hitting treadmills to keep in shape. What's really disturbing is seeing them on those ab machines.
7 ) In your face: A man recently spat tobacco juice in the face of actress Jane Fonda. C'mon... is Monster-in-Law really THAT bad?
8 ) Idol worship: Frankly, it would've been easier to believe that Corey Clark slept with Simon Cowell - or Ryan Seacrest.
9 ) Not a whole lotta shakin': The Texas House approved a bill that would crack down on sexually suggestive cheerleading. Be repressive! Be repressive! B-E R-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!!!
10 ) Tom Cruise: Yes, the actor is dating former Dawson's Creek starlet Katie Holmes. Watch it, Tom -- you're making R. Kelly jealous.
11 ) . John Mason: The runaway bride's fiancé said that he would still marry her. Dude! If your girl runs to another state to get away from you, she's just not that into you.
12 ) Politics of love ( songs ) : 98 Degrees member Justin Jeffre plans to run for mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio. Can't wait until Ashlee Simpson is governor of Texas...
13 ) Ganging up: CNN hottie Anderson Cooper recently went to East L.A. to cover gang violence. I'm assuming he didn't go undercover.
14 ) Happy-slapping: This term refers to smacking someone in the face so you can record his or her reaction with your camera phone. That's fine... but what's the term for someone who's shot as a result of it?
15 ) Kevin Federline: When asked to describe himself, Britney's husband said, 'I don't know... I'm just me.' Why Harvard and Yale haven't been chasing this guy is beyond me.
16 ) The Ying Yang Twins: The rap act's single, Wait ( The Whispering Song ) , features the key line 'Wait until you see my dick, bitch.' Ahhh, romance...
17 ) Blowin' in the wind: People are saying that having Colin Farrell portray music icon Bob Dylan is a stretch. No -- Jamie Foxx portraying Dylan is a stretch.
18 ) Flushed with success: Oliver Beckert has designed the world's only aquarium fitted for toilets. Wait... I think I just found Nemo.
19 ) . Vegetable soup: The term 'onion,' as you may know, is urban slang for a nice, round bottom. Now you must have to figure out if you have an onion, a scallion, or a garden.
I'm at email@example.com .