1) Frenchie Davis: I don't understand why American Idol dropped her in the first place. How could someone be too sleazy for Fox ... and how can Pee-Wee Herman still find work?
2) PETA: The group has convinced the NCAA to use synthetic basketballs in its March Madness tournament. What's next? Will the Texas Longhorns have to change its name to French horns?
3) Art to art: The Thesaurus Fine Arts Center is in downtown Seattle. The owners wanted to name it something else but couldn't find another name for thesaurus.
4) Dustin Hoffman: At the Grammys, he introduced The Boss as 'Bruce Springstreet.' Dustin, there's no need to act like Rain Man ALL the time.
5) Re-defining 'shoot-out': Archaeologists found a 125-year-old hypodermic syringe and needles near Virginia City, Nev. Does this mean that Little Joe and Hoss were shooting up on Bonanza?
6) Monica Lewinsky: She's seeking $1.3 million to reimburse her legal fees. That's got to be the most expensive cigar ever.
7) Justin Timberlake: He's guest-starring on Will & Grace as a scheming gal gigolo. Is this what they mean by art imitating life?
8) Dutch treat: The average Dutch person consumes 30 pounds of cheese annually, earning the people the nickname The True Cheeseheads ... and the title People Most in Need of Dulcolax.
9) Card times: A silver medalist at the World Bridge Championships has been stripped of her medal because she refused to take a post-match drug test. Drug tests for card players? Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?
10) The pot spot: Local authorities seized 23,377 grams of marijuana during a Grateful Dead reunion concert. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown then held a press conference to officially declare themselves Deadheads.
11) Jennifer Lopez: I hope she's not wearing white at her next wedding. Shouldn't she wear something off-white ... like red?
12) Cold hearted: Paula Abdul received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before director Martin Scorsese. It makes sense; how can Goodfellas, Taxi Driver or Raging Bull possibly measure up to that 'Straight Up' video?
13) Porn again: There's been an increase in R- and X-rated Harry Potter material on the Net. So now it's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Victoria's Secrets?
14) Half Past Dead: In that movie, Steven Seagal flatlines and is revived ... like you can tell the difference.
15) Young love: Did you know that 10-year-olds can legally have sex in Australia? In related news, R. Kelly has recorded a song called 'I Believe I Can Fly ... to Sydney.'
16) Here, kitty: Biographer Kitty Kelley is writing a book about the Bush family. Is it too late to option the title Jackass?
17) How to lose a guy in 10 days: In the gay community, that's easy. Just tell him you're a bottom.
I'm at firstname.lastname@example.org .