1) Sammy Sosa: When people tell you to put a cork in it, that's not what they mean.
2) Toni Braxton: The singer now has two children named Diezel and Denim. Maybe she should stop shopping.
3) Bend It Like Beckham: After Igby Goes Down, it's the best porn-sounding movie title I've heard in the past year.
4) Sen. Rick Santorum: Forget what I wrote in my last column about seeing Mayor Daley in a pub full of pilots. I want to see this guy at a Cher concert.
5) Nicole Kidman: She's supposedly dating rapper Q-Tip … which must be a change from being with someone who was the size of one.
6) In the mix: Sprite now has a flavor called Remix. I can't wait for Hip-Hop, Be-Bop, and Polka.
7) Weather or not: Things are getting so bad that I heard a meteorologist use the term 'embedded thunderstorms' and thought they were in Iraq.
8) Avril Lavigne: She said that she's 'getting more famouser by the day' … and more articulate, to boot.
9) Posh Spice: She's considering renaming herself Beaujolais, after the wine. I guess that's better than 40-ounce.
10) A bad egg: The week of April 21-25 was designated National Egg Salad Week … which was promptly followed by National Intestinal Gas Week.
11) The New York Times: I hear, that in an attempt to regain some credibility, it's hiring reporters from The National Enquirer.
12) Beer factor: According to a recent study, beer may be good for healthy bones. If that's the case, I know some people who are pretty much bionic.
13) On sale: You know the economy's bad when escorts offer coupons for their services. ('Buy three blow jobs and get the fourth one free.')
14) Gary the Rat: In this animated series, an attorney becomes a suit-wearing rat. Some punchlines just form themselves.
15) All wet: Cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants supposedly has a major gay following. What do you expect of a series with a character named Sandy Cheeks?
16) The hits: VH-1 released its list of the 100 greatest songs from past 25 years, including Eminem's 'My Name Is,' Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive,' and Eurythmics‚ 'Sweet Dreams.' I know I speak for everyone when I ask: Why isn't Debbie Gibson on this list?
17) Hugh Jackman: He hosted the 2003 Tony Awards. Don't tell me that X-Men is going to debut on Broadway.
18) The Airedale up there: A skydiving pooch has activists up in arms. It reminds me of that old joke: Why don't blind people like to skydive? It scares the dog.
19) It's a fact: It's impossible to lick your elbow. It's also physically impossible to watch Dr. Phil for more than 30 seconds without suffering a gag reflex.
20) Vijay Singh: Now I know what to get him for Christmas—an Annika Sorenstam bobblehead doll.