Dear Miss Nomer,
My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I saw myself as a little girl-the "zany," "madcap" one, who spent all her allowance, not on Barbies, but on whoopee cushions and plastic vomit. Then I saw me as a young adult, discovering I was a lesbian and getting kicked out of the military-not because I was gay but because I kept begging my commanding officer to fire me out of a canon. For years after that, I tried to pass as "normal," but I kept blacking out, then awakening with the vague sense IÂ'd spent the last week entertaining at childrenÂ's birthday parties.
Today, I came to after another "spell" and looked into my bathroom mirror to see ... a whitened, garishly made-up head with tufts of purple hair bursting through a shiny scalp. Below that were an orange neck ruff and lime green bloomers. "Oh GOD!" I thought. "I didnÂ't have too much to drink last night-that was MY rubber nose that fell into the bidet, MY unicycle that got run over!" IÂ've got to accept the truth. I am a clown. I need a support group! Is there anyone else like me? Will NOW or the Human Rights Campaign would allow special caucuses?
Dear Bozo,
I suppose itÂ's my duty to tell you about the Clown Liberation Front. Personally, I think theyÂ're a bunch of self-pitying, power-seizing jerks ¯who, by the way, got kicked out of NOW, the Human Rights Campaign, AND the Socialist Workers Party. Good riddance. I mean, the world needs one more identity group like a fish needs a toilet, right?
But because I donÂ't want to be accused of "clownism," or end up in some Rite Aid dumpster with my funny bones broken, here is their politically correct line with which to raise your Clown "consciousness":
Down through the ages, Clown-identified Clowns [ Note the capital "C" ] have faced Clown oppression. Forced to laugh when they felt like crying, ridiculed, accused of frightening small children, Clowns have seldom been taken seriously by boorish residents of the nonclown world. I believe they call us "nonclownpoops." [ No doubt you find this self- righteous drivel "empowering," so IÂ'll continue. ]
According to the CLF, some Clowns are even kept in laboratories to test product reliability. ThereÂ's the "Tested-on-Clowns" make-up, for example, and the Clowns whacked senseless at rubber chicken factories.. [ Hope youÂ're enjoying your new status as "victim," dear. : ) ]
Yes, every time someone squirts seltzer down a ClownÂ's pants or takes a board and whacks a Clown, society benefits. [ And hereÂ's the part where you displace all your personal insecurities into antisocial rage: ] Too long have Clowns been forced to ride in the back of the Volkswagen. ItÂ's time to ask: "What Part of Â'WHEEEE!Â' DonÂ't You Understand?"
Yadda yadda yadda, so fine, join up, whatever. If NOW and the Human Rights Campaign wonÂ't help, the CLF might. Dues are $50, and the Clowns send you a slide whistle and decoder ring. Which, to be fair, puts them miles ahead of NOW and the Human Rights Campaign.
Dear Miss Nomer,
I am trying to carry out a dignified, inclusive Presidential campaign by appealing equally to the rights of disenfranchized Americans and monopoly capitalists. I feel I am doing a good job. Recently, however, certain AIDS activists have dogged me on the campaign trial.
It seems these nay-sayers took offense at my support of the Africa Growth and Opportunity Act which would prohibit South Africa from manufacturing AIDS medicines to treat its 22.5 million HIV+ people, at a tenth the cost of importing drugs made by U.S.-sponsored pharmaceutical companies. These drugs, products of such multinationals as Glaxo and Squibb, cost, according to the malcontents, upwards of $12,000 a year¯ yet the average annual income in South African is $2,600. Under this legislation, they say, millions of South Africans could die.
DonÂ't these activists know I am representing their best interests? Please ask them not to protest again. And donÂ't forget to vote.
Dear Al,
Three lashes with a wet orphan for being daft enough to worry about this. These bleeding gums liberals may know a few "alarmist" statistics, but theyÂ're way off in left field when it comes to interpreting them.
IÂ've read these stats, too, and you donÂ't see ME running to my mimeograph machine to print up "Silence = Death" leaflets. ThatÂ's because, if you look at these facts from a seasoned, political standpoint, dear, you get a whole new equation: "One American = At Least 9,000 South Africans."
Mature liberals know that millions of dying foreigners is a small price to pay for several DOZEN American women, gays, and people of color being appointed to high-profile positions by a newly elected President Gore! ThatÂ's why George W. Bush is evil, and we will probably all vote for you.
