Ghoul-d evening, ladies and germs! ( See what I did there? I misspelled "good" to fit the season. Amazing, I know. ) It's that time again: Time to rot your teeth, get a li'l crazy, honor the Dark Lord ( optional ) , and compete with all your friends and enemies for the crown of Most Creative and/or Insulting to the Recently Deceased and/or Observant of Pop Culture by selecting and donning the perfect Halloween costume. On your mark, get set, ghost!
( My "Seasonal Pun Threshold" warning light just went off. )
Marching down Halsted on Sunday, I expect to see lots of BP oil spills, Christine O'Donnells, Snookies and Balloon Boys. Oh wait, that last one was 2009. But you get it. The only thing we're missing this year is a flamboyant celebrity who kicked the bucket in the last twelve months. Sorry, Tony Curtis, your blazer-and-tie look wasn't quite loud enough to warrant postmortem homage. If only Lady Gaga would die tragically, then we'd be set. For costumes. The music landscape would be screwed. And the reason she'd have to be dead is that she's already set the bar so high with her own everyday clothing, only the most well-resourced drag queen should even attempt a straight-up impersonation while she's still alive.
Or Annie Lennox. If Annie Lennox wants to go as Lady Gaga for Halloween, she can.
I myself am still undecided on my own disguise for the Samhain/All Saints' Day compromise we honor with candy and raucousness today. Here's a list of a few ideas I've got in the hopper. Feel free to borrow any one you like, just be sure to send me a picture if you do.
1 ) The Birds Meets The Byrds. This would be a tribute to the 1960s. Dress up as any member of the psychedelic folk-rock band The Byrds, best known for "Turn! Turn! Turn!," then cover yourself in birdseed and let nature have at you. Frightening, to be sure, but you have to suffer for your art. And isn't Halloween supposed to be scary?
2 ) The Ghost of the Economy Yet to Come. This is both topical and scary as hell ( and a little Dickensian ) . Make a big Pac-Man out of several Chinese yuan, then little Pac-ghosts out of the American dollar, and staple to your outfit accordingly. This is an especially good costume to wear if you don't want anyone to talk to you all night. For a quick couples' costume conversion, have a friend wear the same thing, but with a Ms. Pac-Man made of the Indian rupee. She should have a bow in her hair, and if desired, a tilak.
3 ) Beavis, of "and Butthead" fame. Is it too soon to call back the '90s? It's been about 16 years since these guys peaked. We've exploited everything we possibly can about the '80s, to the extent that what started as a pop-culture joke turned into a sad awareness that most of us would prefer living in the Reagan years to living now. But what about the '90s? Is it still too soon for them to be retro hip? 'Cause I also have a great Arsenio Hall suit.
4 ) Lady Gaga Going as You Going as Yourself. This only works if you're a run-of-the-mill dresser. Lose 50 pounds or whatever your weight difference is, throw a T-bone on your head, and spread rumors that you were born a man. If you are currently male, all the better to cause confusion as to why you would explain your birth sex at all. Yes, I did say a straight-up Gaga impersonation was a bad idea, but this is a costume-within-a-costume-within-a-cop-out, so it's okay. And boring is the only look LG has yet to do.
5 ) Kevin Federline. This is what you say you went as when you don't go out at all this year. After the fact, tell people you were there at the parade and parties, dressed as Kevin Federline, which is why no one took any notice of you at all.
Homer can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org .