Oh, those wacky Republicans! You just never know what they're going to do. But I say, bravo to Representatives Bob Ney and Walter Jones for letting those whiny French bastards, who refuse to jump on the bandwagon to start an unprovoked war with Saddam Hussein, know that we are so P.O.'ed with them that the cafeterias in the House office building have been ordered to change 'French fries' and 'French toast' on their menus to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Why do this half-assed, though, when they can be full asses? Why not really show those Frenchies we mean business by eliminating all things French?
For starters, all of you true patriots out there will want to expunge, from your vocabulary, such words as 'laissez-faire,' 'bourgeois,' 'tour de force,' and 'raison d'être.' You will also need to cut napoleans, champagne, and merlot from your diet, along with bouillabaise, vichychoisse, and (gasp!) croissants. 'French doors,' 'French dressing,' and 'French horn' will, of course, become 'freedom doors,' 'freedom dressing,' and 'freedom horn.' It is unclear to me, though, what the fate of 'plaster of paris' will be—do we need to stop using it? Or can we simply rename it?
Vocabulary words, however, are small potatoes (as long as they're not French fried) compared with, for instance, the names of cities around this country. New Orleans, Baton Rouge, Joliet (Ill.), and Marquette (Mich.) should seriously consider changing their names if they don't want to be seen as borderline treasonous. And Paris, Texas? Look out! It won't be long before your city council suggests changing your name to something more suitably supportive, like Bushville or Patriot City.
People's personal names should be made to conform, too, if the Republicans really want to get their message across. 'Francine' should maybe be changed to 'Freedomine.' And my own name is less than American. I could anglicize it to 'Joan' since we seem to be pretty happy with England right now, but why take chances? What if those Brits get cranky, sometime down the road, and don't want to support some hawkish endeavor of theirs? I'll just have to change my name again to show that I am true to my country. Instead, I thought I might spell my name using webdings: #$%^&*. It's a little hard to pronounce, but what the hell, it's worth it to let the French know we're angry.
The Republicans may also want to demonstrate their ire by having the Statue of Liberty—a gift from the French in 1886—pack her bags and get out of town. They may also suggest that we boycott all films in which Pepe Le Pew appears or, short of that, shouting out angrily, 'We hate ze French' each time he appears on screen, thereby scaring all the little kids in the theater.
You are probably asking yourself—unless you are a Log Cabin Republican—how does this national debate apply to me, a homosexual? Have you ever heard the phrase 'gay Paree'? You will want to eschew any mention of this merry city as the animosity we currently bear our neighbors across the sea might spill over onto queer people. You will also want to eschew, though not specifically gay, culottes, escargot, and berets—so perhaps this anti-French campaign is not all bad, after all!
My suspicion is that the French want to kill people just as badly as we do but they are simply being pouty about our having foisted off Jerry Lewis on them. And for that, who can blame them? Of course, we could counter with Marcel Marceau, so clearly we are even up on that score, and they should step up to the plate with us after all.
All of this thinking is making my brain hurt, which is no doubt precisely how the Republicans felt after coming up with their brilliant resolution. My girlfriend Kathy suggests we take a break from all of this hard ruminatin' and such and prove our loyalty by practicing our 'freedom kissing.' And right after that, I am firing off an irate letter to Jockey to advocate that they recall all their women's underwear until they can be properly labeled as 'freedom cut.'
Yvonne Zipter can reached via email at yzipter@press.uchicago.edu .
c 2003 by Yvonne Zipter. One-time North American rights granted only.
