New Year's Resolution: To Reform Custody Juggling
For many kids, the end of the holiday season also means the end of the Custody Juggling Season.
Ten years ago, I would have been referring only to children of heterosexual divorce. As new GLBT families are created, however, custody juggling has also become a reality for children who have "divorced" same-sex parents, donor dads, and multiple co-parents whose relationships have gone bad. Add to some of these families the extra element of grandparent visitation rights, and these kids get pulled in so many directions they lack enough time in one place to create any holiday memories, much less warm ones.
One teenage daughter told me that Christmas no longer feels like Christmas because she spends most of the day in the car being shuttled between homes.
How about a New Year's resolution that children in GLBT families won't have to endure one more holiday that leaves them feeling frazzled and emotionally torn?
Like any New Year's resolution worth making, it takes real commitment to keep it. Here are a few suggestions to help parents keep this resolution:
Plan ahead. And I mean plan months ahead of time-;before anyone gets a vision formed in their head about the one and only way the holidays will be worth having. Be a grown up and figure it out by talking directly with the other adults involved. Do not use the kids as go-betweens.
Evaluate with your kids. What do they love about the holidays? Find out now while it is fresh in everyone's minds. Make a point of prioritizing their favorites activities-;maybe baking a special cookie recipe, the driving tour of decorated houses, or the afternoon of cross country skiing. Simplify next year's schedule by discontinuing other activities that are less meaningful.
Ignore the calendar. Who says a birthday, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas has to celebrated on the exact day? As queer families, we pride ourselves in thinking outside of traditional limitations. Why should holidays be an exception? Instead of the stress of being shuttled between households on one day, try letting the children relax in one home for the entire day, with "part two" of their holiday at the other home later in the week.
Spare your children the guilt trip. While it may be lonely for you to not have your kids with you on a particular holiday, share your feelings with a friend or counselor, not your kids. If your children know you are lonely without them, they will feel guilty when they catch themselves enjoying the holidays without you.
Make room for new memories. Is the phrase "But we've done it like this every year" paralyzing your family from trying something different? One Christmas my brother and I wanted to take advantage of bargain airfare to Mexico. My mother was hesitant because she said it was a tradition for us to be home for Christmas. I told her, "Tradition is what gets in the way of having a good time." We spent a fabulous Christmas on the beach.
© 2000 Abigail Garner. Abigail Garner is the grown daughter of two gay dads and a straight mom. She welcomes your ideas and feedback via her website for GLBT families, www.familieslikemine.com .
